Girl in the bar...

Yeah, ya know that random pretty girl standing at the bar with no man, she's not at the bar looking for anyone. Well maybe she is looking for someone, she's actually looking for two people. The love of her life that slipped through her fingers and the old girl she used to be. She's not there to dance with you, she's not there for you to offer her a drink, quite frankly she doesn't even want to talk to you. She's standing there listening to the music with the Jim beam that he used to drink in her hand and when their song comes on it's easier to chug that drink and get one more. Just one more though, because she's already feeling sad. 

Now you can come up and talk, ask a the questions you want like 'why are you here' or 'you're to pretty to be here by yourself so where's your man', so don't get that scared look on your face when she says "her boyfriend unfortunately isn't with her anymore because he passed away". You asked and she gave you her honest answer, you don't have to make it anymore awkward than it is, she knows you won't know what to say and she'll be counting down in her head until you decide to walk away. That moment when you walk away is going to be gold, because she doesn't want to talk to you to begin with. 

That's the funny thing, she's a girl in a bar, with his name around her neck and the memory of them in her head and the love of him and her in her heart. She's not there to talk, she's not there to get drunk. She's there to feel numb and watch life happen. She's there standing hoping that maybe all of this is just a bad dream, sometimes it feels like it's a dream for her because in her mind he's going to be home when she gets there. Maybe she's there because it's better than laying in bed crying or feeling empty inside or alone, at least here she can feel alone in a room full of people. 

She's a girl in a bar not looking for anything but the person she misses most and the new person that she now is becoming.... 

St.Pattys Day

St.Patricks day is a very special day for Joey and I, last year on St.Patricks day we both lost our jobs because KC Crave shut down. Now for us it was bittersweet, KC crave shutting down meant that we could actually act like a real couple, the sad side was we lost our jobs and Joey had just became General Manager there. Becoming GM of a restaurant was Joey's dream and goal and he finally got that, I remember the night he came to my house telling me he became GM and I also remember the morning he called me saying the restaurant shut down. I was getting ready for work, Joey was suppose to be at a meeting and had just left but I knew something was up when he called me 15 minutes after he left. So St.Pattys was on a Monday last year and Mondays were our bowling nights and man, I couldn't wait to go bowling and not act like Joey and I weren't dating. I remember walking in and he saw me and he kissed me in front of everybody, such a happy moment in my life. I just remember us both telling each other how much we loved each other. We didn't know what we were going to do after that night because we were both jobless, lol but we knew that we were going to be together.
It's weird that St.Pattys day this year also falls on 8 weeks of Joey being gone. My mind still thinks that he's on vacation and that he's going to come home but theres days that I realize that he's not. Lately, I've been so emotional about him being gone. I just really miss him. This is our first photo that we ever posted, on St.Pattys day last year. I look at this and all I see is happiness and so much love. That moment I thought I loved Joey so much but we moved to Tampa and I fell so much more in love with him. This man was my future and on that night I didn't know what adventures we were going to have but I knew I was going to be right next to him. Now tomorrow is St.Pattys day and he's not here. What kind of bullshit is that, we had so many more things to do.

Missing you so much Joey

At the end of the aisle

I think at an early age girls always dream of their wedding. For me, I always had an idea of what type of wedding I wanted, but never knew what type of guy would be standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me. When I fell in love with Joey, I knew he was going to be that man at the end of the aisle. We talked about the type of wedding we would have, and we weren't even engaged yet. I obviously come from a very small family and only have a few close friends that I could see being at my wedding, well Mr. Fischetti had a huge family and the amount of friends he had is crazy. Joey would always talk about how he would probably have twenty groomsmen and he would joke how I would probably have 5 bridesmaids. He was right, haha. Seeing the amount of people at his funeral I could only imagine the size of our wedding that we would of had. Which brings me to why I'm writing this blog, the day of his funeral has been on my mind.
At twenty-one, I was planning more of a future wedding then the love of my life's funeral. At twenty-one I was with his closest girlfriends trying on navy blue dresses for his funeral instead of what I really thought I would of been doing with his friends like saying yes to a white dress. Looking into that mirror trying on navy blue dresses, I remember just staring and saying to myself 'is this really happening.' His friends just saying that the dresses looked great on me, all I cared was that I wanted to Joey to look down on me and think that I was looking beautiful even though I was dying inside. Now, let me tell you, I walked down a aisle, in a beautiful cathedral. I walked down in my blue navy dress, I was walking down the aisle to say goodbye to Joey. He was the reason I was walking down that aisle, but it wasn't the reason I thought I would walk down the aisle for. His funeral was beautiful, and all of his family and friends from all over were there, I'll never forget walking out of the Cathedral holding on to his soon to be sister-in-law and just clenching her hand and crying so hard. Let me tell you, there are no words to describe the heartache that I felt or feel everyday. After his funeral we had a celebration of his life, gosh I met so many people and all because of how much Joey was loved. I sat down at the table for the whole time, and sat there and just thought how cruel and wrong this was. I wanted a wedding with Joey, I wanted a house, I wanted kids, I wanted the adventures and I wanted it all with Joey. I wanted to meet all of these wonderful people because they were there to celebrate the love that Joey and I shared.  It's funny how life is cruel and how things happen. It's funny how I got the dress and I got to walk down that aisle and it was all to say goodbye to the love of my life.
Next friday, March 20th 2015 will be two months, how? How has it been this long, it feels like yesterday. My days are going by so fast but yet so slow. My heart aches, and I don't lie when I say that, it does ache. I miss his corkyness and his smile, I wonder how I can be this strong...and it's because Joey is with me. He is in my smile when I tell stories of him and I or tell complete strangers about him and how amazing he is. He's always by my side.
Why did you have to leave?

Dr. Pepper Ribs..

Tonight at Chili's I saw on their menu that they now serve Dr.Pepper ribs, Ugh I know that was Joey. Joey made a year ago Dr.Pepper ribs for JNO, Paul and I. He knew how much I loved Dr.Pepper and he looked up a recipe  on pinterest. They were so amazing, I mean super spicy but oh so good...just like all of Joeys food that he made. I started making a list on my phone of all the little signs that I believe is Joey telling me he's with me. I'm sure I look like a crazy person when I realize that something might be a sign from Joey. 

I am missing Joey so much, I don't expect anyone to walk this journey with me every day. I'm strong enough to say that I am sad, I'm not ashamed of saying that I miss Joey, or that I cry any chance I get or sometimes that it hurts so much that I just want to scream. I'm learning that everyone feels loss differently, whether it be losing a child or best friend or partner, loss hurts..  I wake up every day and I just think to myself 'wow, this is really life.'  

I'm not only dealing with the loss of my life but I am dealing with the grief and realizing that I have to figure out what I'm suppose to do with my life. Joey and I had a life planned, and obviously in life things happen but I sorta planned on having Joey with me to deal with those random things that happen in life. Sometimes I feel like I sound like 'Oh what am I gonna do without Joey, now...' but that's not how I feel.. I know that I'm going to do everything that I said that I would, I know that I'm going to have a life and I'm going to smile and I'm going to laugh and that's the saddest part. Everything now is without Joey. It makes me sick to think that Joey isn't here anymore, I'm never going to come home to him ever again, never going to hear his voice, never going to eat the food he always cooked me, never going to stay awake all night and listen to his obnoxious snoring. 

My grieving is going to last for the rest of my life, and for anyone to say that it isn't is crazy. I remember when people told me that moving to Tampa with Joey was a stupid decision on my part but did I listen to anyone. Hell No. Moving to Tampa was the best decision I ever made, I learned so much about myself moving down here, and I fell more in love with Joey. I loved waking up every day to Joey, I loved knowing that this was our home and every night I was falling asleep in the arms of Joey. 

It's a weird feeling how everyones lives go on, everyone has their wife/husband girlfriend/boyfriend, they have the person they love to cry to, they still have that chance of marriage or having a family, I guess I'm really trying to accept that I don't have Joey anymore, and I have to start from the bottom and figure out what I'm suppose to do. I've always been that girl that knows exactly what she wants but for the first time in my life, I have no idea. It's such a scary feeling, I'm not going to lie but I feel so alone and so scared of what is to come. I don't want any of this, I didn't ask for any of this, this wasn't part of my dreams of Joey and I. One day I'll accept it, maybe. 

The next chapter...

Over this weekend, I thought about a lot of things. I guess I realized that Joey isn't coming back and the next chapter of my life has begun and it began on 1/20/15 when he passed away and I had to let go of his hand.  Ugh, I wish there were words to describe the feeling I felt that moment I walked out of Joeys ICU room, after I said goodbye to him..I remember all the nurses looking at me and I remember just feeling so heavy and I felt like I wasn't even alive. It felt like I was gliding, with tears in my eyes. I died when Joey passed away. People can judge me and say what they want about how I shouldn't say things like that, but it's how I feel. You know I didn't want to say goodbye to Joey, but I did. I knew that he wasn't there and it's a weird feeling I felt as if he was right over me with his hand on my shoulder. I've talked to many people about how the first night in the ER, I knew Joey knew I was there. I saw it in his eyes, I don't know how many times I told him I loved him or how many times I kissed his lips or put my head up to his. I kept making jokes to his nurses because I couldn't stop rubbing his head because HE LOVED THAT! That was our nightly routine, he'd rub my feet and I'd rub his back and his head. That was my favorite part of the day and that started when we started dating and never stopped.  If he hadn't been hooked up to so many machines or kept having seizures I would of laid right next to him until the doctors and nurses forced me out of that hospital. His  hand was always so heavy in mine at the hospital, but  the last time I held his hand and said goodbye to him, it felt right and knowing that makes me get through the day.
The days feel as though they all run into each other. I wake up, realize that I woke up and ask why and then I get up and walk around and realize 'wow, Joey is really gone!' I'm proud of myself though, I get out of bed! Gosh, I wish I could just lay in bed and be sad and cry but I can't! Since Joey passed away, I don't think that I've done that. I'm proud that I stayed in school because I am so close to my dreams! School is keeping me sane, it keeps my mind off of things. Surprisingly I love being at work, because it gives me a chance to talk to complete strangers about Joey and I! I talk about Joey and I with a huge smile on my face, let's be real how can anyone talk about Joey without a smile on their face. I get to tell our love story, and I'm so blessed to be able to say that I was loved by Joey and I love him! 
Now I guess I'm in this weird stage of knowing that my semester ends in the end of April and what am I suppose to do after that?! Do I stay in Tampa, or do I move to NYC  like I always said I would do. People ask my why do you want to move somewhere new and not back to Gainesville, (where I'm from) my answer is why would I do that?!?! Joey met so many people and lived all over and experienced life and that's what I want to do! I'm ready for my new adventure with him by my side, guiding me with his signs! Joey will be with me with every decision I make in life and I know I will see him everywhere I go. I can't wait to do all the things that I said I was going to do, and make Joey proud and everyone else proud as well. This next chapter in my life is finding who this new "me" is. Taking baby steps in my new journey... I'm taking the road less traveled, with Joey in my heart. I am missing him so much...

Let my tears be still.

No one really knows how someone is suppose to grieve. Everyone has their own opinion. Especially when they aren't entirely in your shoes. At the same time, it is a feeling of loss. No ones grief hurts more or even less than someone else's. Everyone feels a loss and how ever that person deals with it is okay. 

I'm learning that there are some people who just say sly remarks not realizing that it hurts the person. 

Grieving for me, in this journey is talking about Joey. That's the only time I have a smile on my face and tears running from my eyes. Joey was the best part of my life so far. I wish some times people would just close their eyes for one minute and imagine the feeling of loss that I am feeling. Imagine, holding the hand of the love of your life and knowing it's the last time you will ever get to hold their hand, now while your holding on to that persons hand, put your forehead up against their forehead, obviously not caring that tears are falling on their face. Now kiss them goodbye and know that it's the last time. It's the last time you'll get to smell them, last time to feel their skin against yours, last time to feel and hear their heartbeat. I'm sure if you imagined that with the person you loved, you probably would feel sick to your stomach. I long to just be held by Joey again and hear his voice, to taste his kiss.  

I'm mature enough to know that I'm not the only one that has ever experienced a tragic loss of that special someone, and obviously friends experience the grief and mourn the loss also.  

Joey met so many people in his life, and he had a lot of close friends, well best friends actually. I can't even imagine the pain that they feel every day or that the pain his family feels. Most of joeys best friends obviously knew him longer than I knew him, but how ever long you know someone does not make the grief any less painful. 

Joey and I knew each other for 2 years, we were together for a year and half.. And those 2 years are enough to last for a lifetime and forever. My heart will never be the same and I will never be the same person I was before all of this. 

I get up everyday, and I do our routine. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and never get up. I know though, that there are things to be done. Joey might not be with me physically, but every morning he is the one pulling me out of bed. 

I don't feel anything, I'm still numb to it all. I cry any chance I get, for some reason I want to cry all the time in my classes. Today for some reason, I was in math class and I just couldn't figure out a stupid problem and at that moment I wanted to punch something and cry, not because I was frustrated with math, but because I'm frustrated and mentally exhausted with life. I'm so mad at life right now, I'm so mad that Joey is gone. My best friend, partner, love of my life is GONE. It's a tough pill to swallow. 

I'm trying really hard, I put on a smile for people, I'll laugh but I am seriously dying inside. I don't need people lecturing me on their opinion on grief, or that other people are grieving. I know all of it, I don't need other people telling that I need to stop being sad.

Put yourself in my shoes, imagine losing the love of your life. Don't look at it as mourning a loss of a friend or parent or child, look at it through my eyes and my heart... I am trying, and I'm trying to do the best I can do. So let me cry, let me talk about Joey. 

Joey is gone, but no one can ever take away the love that him and I had, no one can ever take away the feeling of that love and no one can ever take away the fact that he chose me out of all the wonderful people he met. I am so blessed to say that I was loved by Joseph Jude Fischetti. 

So just let me be sad and miss him. 

Wherever love goes..

Sure feels like forever since my world went tumbling down, and yet it feels like it was yesterday. It's weird how I wasn't looking for you when I fell in love with you and now I search for you everywhere. You are in my dreams every time I close my eyes, but the one dream that occurs the most is that I am in a field of purple wild flowers and it's the evening time...I unlock a rusty gate and run up a hill and run...run trying to find you. Right before I wake up I get to a farm house...almost looks like a farm house that I could see us spending the rest of our lives in...I walk in the house and you're there, and I wake up. I miss you Joey so much, and I know you are here with me. I know you are there lying next to me when I'm trying to sleep but can't because I need your embrace and need to feel your skin. Who knew I could miss the sound of your snoring SO freaking much. What I miss most is having you snuggling and having your face in my neck, sleeping.  I know you are here when I feel so alone or when I'm in my car, crying my eyes out because that's the only time that people can't seem me crying. You will forever be my shotgun rider, changing the songs and belting out the song lyrics with me.
You were/are the love of my life, best friend, partner. I hope you are with me and get to see all the good and love that God still has planned for the rest of the journey... There aren't any words to express all of the emotions that I feel.

There are so many things that I miss about Joey, I could write a novel about all the things I miss.
I miss something new every day, lately I just miss the feeling I would get when I knew he was in the room. He had such a great energy, and the moment he left the room, I found myself following him like a puppy dog! hahaha, maybe thats just love. We were attached to the hip.
The only time I'm really in the house is when I'm sleeping or studying, I find myself having to not be in the house so I do more exploring in Tampa. The other day I found a Golden Corral and almost balled my eyes out, just because I wish I would of known we lived 5 minutes from one. Joey and I loved food, haha and we always talked about the buffet and Golden Corral...and I find one 5 minutes from us..when he's gone.
Joey and I know each other SO well, I know that Joey is in Heaven cooking up a storm, golfing... but most of all I know he is here with me. I wish he was physically here so we could do all the things that we said we were going to do. I can't help but be bitter when I see my friends getting engaged and married and having babies and I can and probably will say that forever.

It's crazy how alone I feel, I can be in a room full of people and feel like I'm the only one in there.  When Joey passed away, I kept telling my mom how I couldn't wait until people left me alone and now I'm lucky if I get one or two text a day. Don't get me wrong it's nice to not have a bunch of people texting me but it just adds to the amount of loneliness I feel. When people do text me or talk to me they ask me how I'm doing, what's the point of asking if everyone is going to lecture me on how I need to stop being sad. You asked how I'm doing, and I'm miserable...and I'm dying inside each and every day without Joey in my life. Take a walk in my shoes and I bet most of you wouldn't even be able to walk  12 feet in them. It sucks being 21 and knowing that you have your whole life to live without someone that you love more than anything. I find strength in talking to Joey in my head, if you think you're crazy for doing certain things, just imagine talking to someone that isn't even here anymore. I feel like a crazy person, talking to someone in my head but not talking at all in person to anyone, crying any chance I get, forcing myself to go back to sleep. I thought I was exhausted working 40 hours a week and going to school full time but this beats any feeling of being exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I can't even concentrate, if I had it my way I'd lay in bed and never get out of it but the funny thing is I can't even lay in bed all day and cry. Thats the one thing that I want to do, but I can't do it.

5 weeks since Joey left this world, how have I even gone 5 weeks without him. I look at all of Joeys stuff in our place and I wonder when I'll ever be ready to box it up, if I'll ever be ready. Who knows.
Going on is so hard...I don't want to do it anymore, but sadly I have too.

You and I, Joey <3

4 weeks.

It's amazing how I can feel so much hurt and pain from Joey passing away. I never knew that any human could feel this way, the human body is strange thing. Today, February 17th is 4 weeks and Friday February 20th will be ONE MONTH. How is it even possible, that he's been gone this long.
One month isn't that long, but it's been the longest month without him. You get in a routine and that routine becomes your life and the person who you share that routine with becomes your life. I sit and think about how I'm having to start from the bottom, I have a new routine and it's me just going through the motions and feeling numb. I find myself talking about Joey more and more, there are so many things that remind me of him and for me, that's okay because it makes me think of him.

The other night I was trying to use my Uber app on my phone to get a ride home, well it wasn't working, kept saying network error...as if. Using that Uber app makes me think of Joey and I because we loved using Uber. I didn't know about Uber until I moved to Tampa with Joey and at first I looked at him crazy, wondering why  he thought it was okay to get in a car with a complete stranger. I knew if we were going to use Uber, Joey was not going to shut up in the car. Sometimes I would be embarrassed but I realized that, was just who Joey was. I have so many Uber stories and I could tell you the lives of maybe 15 uber drivers because of Joey. My favorite Uber ride was with Joey and my best friend Janna. It was a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and Janna had come down from NYC. It was Jannas first time meeting Joey and at first I was so scared for them to meet because I really wanted Janna to like Joey. Well, the three of us got in that Uber car and headed to South Howard and I felt like the 4th wheel. Our Uber driver could not speak any english and of course Joey and Janna both knew how to speak spanish, so as the three of them are laughing there butts off and having a heart to heart in spanish, I was sitting silently in disbelief. After the Uber car ride, Joey and Janna were BFF's, I almost felt as if they needed to be together! HAHA. Joey always felt the need to get to know someone and why they were where they were in life. I loved that about Joey, he had a heart of gold and he really loved meeting people.
Brings me back to another memory of Joey and I, it was the first day we moved to Tampa!
August 9th 2014, we just dropped the Uhaul off and started unpacking, and he was just so eager to go watch the sunset, I had never seen him so excited to go see a stupid sunset! We started walking around our complex and found the trail by the water and sat on a swing...turns out that a huge group hung out at the spot and I just knew at that moment that we were going to be sitting there for a very long time. Joey instantly made 8 new friends that night, which is no surprise. There was always someone for Joey to meet and get to know.
I'm sure he's made a billion new friends up there in Heaven. I can't wait for the day where I am with him again, it's a sickening feeling. I miss him so much, I don't know how I'm even going on... because I have the urge to cry at any moment of the day. You know that feeling in your throat when you're just about to cry but force yourself not too...that's how I feel ALL the time! I wake up, and force myself to go back to sleep because I don't want to be awake without him. I wish I would know the reason why God took away Joey at such a young age, we had too many things to do and that's the hardest part to get over.

4th Sunday

I haven't posted in a while, my emotions are a roller coaster, my life right now is a roller coaster! Valentines day was a sad day for me, but yet again every day is a sad day for me. I never knew that I could feel this kind of pain. I am missing Joey so much and him being gone hits me harder every day. I wake up every morning and I force myself to go back to sleep, I force myself to close my eyes and think about all the times I had with Joey and than I dream of him and it's so much better than being awake. 

Valentines day just made me think of last years valentines day.. Season 2 of house of cards was released and we watched that after we got off of work. I am missing Joeys embrace and his smile and his voice. He was home to me and now I'm lost. I'm in this world, lost and numb. We had so many more things to do, so many more adventures and Joey and I will never do them! I'm having a hard time letting that go. 

Just let me cry..

Three weeks today, how is it that it's gone by so fast. It feels like yesterday when I was holding Joeys hand saying goodbye to him. It still doesn't seem real, it's not something I'm going to accept. I know I have to understand that he passed away and that he's gone but there are somethings in life that you don't have to accept. This isn't something that's going to get better over time...I don't have the flu...I've lost the love of my life and I'm sad.  This is going to be such a long road ahead of me, I'm grieving over Joey passing away, I'm grieving over the fact that him and I will never get married or have a family of our own. I'm not just grieving over his death but also the person I was when I was with him, the life we shared and the plans we had. When people tell me I need to get on with my life now, what am I suppose to say to that?  My life is going on, it's going on with out Joey. I have to force myself to get up out of bed and go through my days and go through the motions. My sadness hits me like a earthquake, always unexpected.  Don't get me wrong, I am my own person, I am my own woman and a very independent one at that, but that doesn't mean that I can't grieve over my boyfriend passing away so unexpectedly. I know I have a bright future, I'm twenty-one and I get to spend every day of the rest of my life missing Joey....Let that sink in...the rest of my life.. I hate it. 

 

17 days

It amazes me how it's been 17 days since you've passed away. I've gone 17 days without hearing your voice or laughter. I've gone without your kisses and your warm embrace. I've gone 17 days without smelling that aftershave on your face when you kiss me. I've gone 17 days without your name popping up on my phone. I've gone 17 days without your foot massages. The list goes on and on and on. 

Everyone said it would get easier and honestly it just gets harder. I can't sleep at night and when I finally do, I dream of you. Just let me sleep if that's the only time I can see you and I together. 

I'm pretty sure I'm killing our plants that we bought a week before you passed away, but hey... What am I gonna do with all that cilantro, mint and basil. That was all for you. All your clothes are still hanging up, everything is still the way it would be, as if you were here. I probably won't box anything up until I decide when I'm going to move.  I find myself waking up every morning, more sad then the day before. I find myself crying more, any chance I get, I cry. I'm missing you so much, I never knew missing someone could be so painful. Everyone says you're always watching over me and with me.. But I don't feel you... In my mind everything is a blur from the last several weeks. 

Honestly the one thing that keeps me going is the love that we shared and the fact that you chose me to love. Out of everyone you met in your lifetime (which was a lot) you chose me! When we first started working out together after the late nights at work I never thought we would be anything. There was one night that changed my mind though, I was doing some stupid weight machine for my legs and you put it on like 300 pounds and told me to do it. Lmao. You were just standing there next to me cheering me on as I was struggling, and at that point for some reason I remember thinking to myself at that moment, you were going to be the man I married and have children with. I don't know why at that moment at the gym I decided that. 

I'm missing your positivity, always just cheering me on and making me a better person. When I was down or frustrated you always knew what to say or do to bring that smile back to my face. 

I'm trying to focus on school because I know that, that's what you want for me. It's what we both wanted, but it's hard. 

It's hard sitting in class and listening to the lecture because I'm thinking of you. I don't have you texting me through out the day, and when I leave my classes, I know you aren't going to be home.

I go through a roller coaster of emotions 24/7, it's like I shouldn't be around happy people honestly. You are my forever love Joseph Fischetti, and love never dies. 

I loved you then...

Around this time last year, we were still "hiding" our relationship lol. It's so funny because we were so used to our routine. Go to work, usually you would go into work first and than I would go in 5 hours after you would. I loved going into work because I had just seen you hours ago and no one had a clue!
You would leave work and I usually closed, but we both knew that after work I was going to be with you at your place. Sometimes we didn't plan it and sometimes we did but it got to the point where my clothes were there and I would start leaving my hair stuff and shampoo...so I was there pretty much all the time.
I loved spending the nights with you, just watching either House of Cards or some other stupid show and just sitting on that couch talking! My FAVORITE night was I think February 6th 2014, I think it was around that date. I had horrible back pains to the point where I couldn't even walk, actually couldn't even get out of bed so I just stayed at your place until you got home from work. I remember going out to the living room with you and watched House of Cards because we wanted to re watch the first season before the second season came out on Valentines day. Well we started chit chatting about everything and just stopped watching the show. I just remember starting to get butterflies in my stomach and my heart started to race because I could tell that you were about to say that you loved me. I knew I wasn't going to be the first one to say it, because I didn't want to look crazy but I knew I loved you from the first night that we started hanging out together. Just writing about that night makes me get butterflies and makes my heart race. It wasn't anything romantic it was just you and I and what we usually did. I was so happy when you told me you loved me, and after you telling me that we started talking about our future. We knew we couldn't stay at the restaurant and still be together so one of us was going to have to leave. Sadly, Joey just became General Manager so I would of never let him leave...but God had other plans when he decided to close that restaurant down in March.
That story brings me back to another story, Christmas Eve of 2013...  It was the night where we gave each other our Christmas gifts. Although my gifts were totally lame compared to what you bought me but it's the thought that counts.  You cooked me dinner, and we watched some tv and then I told you that we should open our gifts.  I gave you all of your gifts, which honestly I had no idea what to get you! After you opened up your gifts, you walked into your closet and one by one started to hand me all sorts of gifts. When you handed me the last one, you started crying and told me that you just wanted me to know how special of a woman I was to you, and obviously I had already been crying because I had never felt so loved before in my life. I felt so lucky to be with you, we hadn't told each other that we loved each other yet, but I loved you then.

You know, so many people say that the first few months is the honeymoon phase for every couple, trust me I heard that from my family and friends especially when I spent so much time with him.  Our motto was, that couples should always be in the honeymoon phase. I can tell you, every time I came home from work or when Joey came home from work, we kissed each other probably 20 times, LOL.
There would be times when I'd come home from work just frustrated and he'd be standing there with a kissy face waiting for me to kiss him and if I looked at him or walked past him he'd grab me and kiss me. We never went a day without telling each other that we loved one another. We probably did that a million times a day. We always cooked together, well Joey did most of the cooking...I would honestly just annoy him in the kitchen...haha. We always sat at the dinner table and talked about our day or just anything in general. We loved talking to each other, everyone knows Joey loved to talk and so do I so we were perfect for each other. We did everything together!

It's so hard with him not here, my world is crumbled into tiny little pieces and now I'm here to pick them up.

Missing you so much Joey <3

The 5 stages of Grief

This isn't a really happy/ memory post.

I've taken enough classes to know that there are 5 stages of grief.
It begins with denial and isolation, then comes anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
I'm at four of those right now.
I talk to myself all day because I'm talking to you, everything that I would normally be saying to you in person or in a text is what I'm saying to myself. After a while you start to feel like a crazy person. I can't believe you're gone. I just keep waiting for you to call me or walk through our door. I walk into our home and expect a kiss from you or that smile!
Coming back home from NYC tonight, I walked in our home and I feel nothing but anger.  I haven't felt this yet. I want to punch the wall, I want to literally tear a part our place. Even if I did all of that, it wouldn't make me feel any better. I am so angry at God right now, I'm trying to understand the bigger picture right now, but I just can't see it. Like what's the lesson to be learned here....Who possibly needs to learn a lesson from this?  Is it for the people that are newly engaged or just now getting married, so that they can make sure that they tell their loved one, how much they love them. Is it for the people to see that there is real love out there. Or is it for that one couple who fights all the time or abuses each other, so they can see that what they have isn't love?
Is it for the couple that has nothing but lies and cheating? Like who needs to learn a lesson and why do they have to learn from Joey passing away?
It's just not fair, Joey had the biggest heart and would never hurt anyone. He was the happiest person that I've ever met. Why Joey? Trust me I've heard it from everyone 'Only the good die young' Well that quote is stupid.
Now it's all about bargaining, I can sit for hours and think what I could of done to prevent this. I know though, that there's nothing that I could of done. Who ever thinks that their boyfriend is going to have a massive stroke at 32? I sure as hell didn't. I did all I could over the weekend thinking that he had the flu, I checked on him every 3o minutes. Woke him up, to drink, so that he didn't get dehydrated. Rubbed his head and back....If I would of known that he wasn't going to be here anymore, I would of slept with him those three nights instead of sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to get sick.  I would of never let him go.
Now it's depression, which started two weeks ago. Something that I will be dealing with for a very long time. Just when I think I don't have anymore tears, I start crying. My heart hurts.

I just really can't believe Joey is gone, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm so lost and so numb.
We were that happy couple, we were the ones in love. We had the plans, we had a future and it's just gone.


"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by...
...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time" 

Making my way to New York City!!

My flight to New York City left at 7pm and the sun had just set, when we took off, I looked to my left and saw the remaining part of the sunset and knew it was you. Thinking about the fact that I was just in New York City with you a month ago is weird.. I'm so blessed I got the chance to spend 5 days there with you. Our first real vacation together, and it's a memory that I will never forget.
It's a weird emotion, I'm excited, sad and numb all at the same time. I still can't believe you're gone and gone forever. I still get that feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning, but I had to get up for my classes, and of course like always I left the house an hour before I had too. Somethings don't change.
Our friends text me and say it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be happy also, but I don't want to feel either of those...I don't want to feel anything.  I don't want to ever get over this, I just want to sit and remember you and all of our happy times.  Which was the last year and half of my life.
I replay the night I found you over and over and over and over. I replay over and over again that whole entire weekend. I should of taken you to the doctor, it's what you would of done to me but I was trusting you and listening to you. Things happen when you least expect it, and I never thought you would of had a stroke.  I should of known something wasn't right, I should of not listened to you. I know you knew I was there, I saw it in your eyes that night and I keep that image with me forever. I thought I've felt helpless before but this experience has taken it to a whole new level.

I'm in this weird state of mind, because I'm 21 and we planned our whole future and yet things get in the way and plans change...so I'm learning. What am I suppose to do now, I know I need to finish school because in the back of my mind you are cheering me on and you would want that for me. Nursing school is a dream of mine and it also became a dream for you. It was our dream.  I can't do many of things that we said we would do because well you aren't here anymore. You're in heaven and always by my side.
Who knows what I'll do maybe I'll move to New York City in the summer just like I always nagged you about, begin a new chapter in my life, not knowing what I'm suppose to be doing. Maybe I'll audition for the Miami Heat Dancers like I always talked about, I know you loved to watch me to dance and you always bragged on me. *Blushes* I can say that one thing I know I will do is open up a little restaurant or deli like we talked about. Nothing big, but something just right.  I never realized how much I learned from you while you were cooking, I've found myself wanting to cook more, but it's weird being in the kitchen without you. I also know there's a reason you bought me that kitchen aid mixer, I plan on using it so much! There's a whole world out there! You traveled and lived so many places and met so many people, that's exactly what I want to do! Travel! Knowing that you will always be by my side.

I'm realizing that missing you is just going to be a part of my every day life, but I find little things to smile at or laugh at.  Like having free wifi in this airplane is making me so beyond happy and I should be doing my anatomy homework instead of writing this but such is life. HAHA.

I can't wait to get to New York City and act like a New Yorker, you taught me it very well! Always stay on the right side of the escalator, whistle at the taxi's which...I won't be able to do like you, I'm a subway pro now after having you teach me how to use it, and luckily I have both of our metro cards so no One dollar charge to get another one! It's the little things... My favorite memory of you when we went to New York City was how the second we landed, your accent was totally different. It was no longer like we lived in the south but it was your New York accent! I still hear it in my head, and it makes me smile!
I really can't be sad when I think about you and I because I was the happiest I had ever been before. You taught me so much in life, and I will take it everywhere I go and I know I will see you everywhere I go! We're gonna go to so many places hun!


Gotta go for now, turbulence is a bitch and well I don't have you to hold on too!

That fixer upper...

The days do not get any easier, they say they will, but I don't believe them. It's just not fair, all of our plans have been taken away. The love of my life, my best friend have been taken away from me in a blink of an eye. There were two things that reminded me of you today, well more than that but these were my two favorite.
First one was, walking around the water today in our apartment complex and I noticed that one of the porches had the patio furniture we were going to buy 3 weeks ago. Thank God we didn't because we both know how I don't like having the same thing as other people so now, that is officially considered "BASIC" patio furniture.
Second thing was I saw the kids and Danny and Liz tonight. I see you, in Rocco so much and I promise, you will live on through me. Rocco and Izzy will know how much you love them.

Tomorrow night I leave for New York City, which I'm actually excited about. Janna bought the plane ticket and I know you will be with us the whole time, because you love the both of us to death. I've decided also that I am going to go ice skating since last month you and I didn't do that while we were in the city. There is snow on the ground and it's suppose to snow some more, which I know is your doing because you know I love the snow so much. I always bugged you about moving to NYC, but I also bugged you about moving back home to Gainesville or in our crazy world, moving to Italy.
I was happy being with you anywhere we lived. I hope you know that.

I cried on the way home from Danny's because I wanted what Danny and Liz have. The perfect family, and the perfect two kids! Every time I saw Joey with his nephew and niece I knew he was going to be the man that one day, down the road I would have kids with. Most of our conversations while we lay in bed was about what we would have when that one day came. The one night that stands out the most is on my 21st birthday when we went to St.Pete for First Friday. We sat down, at an outside table and talked for hours as if we just met!  We planned our whole entire future that night. We were going to have a huge house, but not a brand new house. We were going to be that couple that bought a fixer upper! Obviously our main priority of that house would be the kitchen to make sure that we had the best kitchen for Joey to cook in! We would have tons of land and a long drive way up to the house.
We didn't even know how many kids we wanted, we just wanted as many as God blessed us with. We knew that if we had a girl her name would be Milania or Ava and if we had a boy his name would be Giovanni or Joey Jr. clearly had to be an italian name. If God made us the next 19 kids and counting, we would of been fine with that. LOL. Joey would of been a great dad, he would of loved our kids like crazy and we pretty much already knew our kids were going to be spoiled and have everything in the world! We wanted the same things, some times we would have our moments when I was being stubborn or stressed out but you were my future and my whole entire world. I can't help but feel bitter...I wanted it all with you. I can't believe you were taken away from me, so fast... All I know is, we told each other a million times a day how much we loved each other, gave each other all the kisses we could give and showed our love for each other in weird ways. lol
I'm missing you so much, and it hurts so much. My heart literally hurts, and I'm here in this world..in a daze.

...Love you more and love you to the moon and back. 

"And that's just it, isn't it? That's how we manage to survive the loss. Because love, it never dies, it never goes away, it never fades, so long as you hang on to it.”

Feels like a hangover

Today, is hard for me to get out of bed. There's no clouds in the sky and it looks beautiful out but today I just want to lay in bed. Waking up feels like waking up with a hangover. The worst part is, it's worse than a hangover. I wake up and realize that you're  not here and you're not coming back. I realize that life is going on without you. I'm constantly talking to myself because I'm talking to you. Everything I do, I talk to you.

It's more real at night

It's weird laying in this bed, or even in this room. Being in the dark makes me think even more, but everything is still the same in here. Your towel is hanging up on the closet door just like always, the fans are going because for some reason we both couldn't sleep in silence. Your button down shirts are in the corner, waiting to get dry cleaned and your phone is plugged in. Only thing that is missing is you, and your arms around me and let me not forget your snoring. How I hated your snoring but now it's the thing I  miss the most. What I wouldn't give to be able to wake you up to tell you stop snoring... Even though I know me telling you wasn't going to stop you. 

Our relationship is based off of our nights. We started dating and most of the time I was at your place in Gainesville. I'd get off of work and you were at your house waiting for me with ALWAYS a sweet tea and occasionally one of your meals. I always thought that eventually that was going to stop but it never did... Those nights were the best because we would sit on the couch or lay in bed and talk for hours! Laying in your arms and talking is what made me fall in love with you. Being in your arms was home and always will be. The one thing you loved the most was me scratching your back and rubbing your head and oh how I did that EVERY night! We moved a year later to tampa and the roles switched, you rubbed my feet and back EVERY night. 

Most nights here in Tampa we were so exhausted from work, but when you'd put your head on my chest I couldn't resist to rub your head.  I was so happy and content with you laying right next to me, I didn't need anything else in my life. I want you back so much, it's a pain that I can't even put into words. 

I know one thing, we told each other we loved each other so much every day... That at least I know it was real. I know that you passed away knowing that I love you and always will. 

Taco Tuesday

Second Taco Tuesday without you, tried going to Green lemon tonight...the hostess said it would be 45 minutes for a table...which made me think of you because they never give the right estimate on the time. Which was the one thing that made you frustrated with this restaurant. Didn't really feel you today with me, and maybe thats why I cried most of the day and wanted to sleep all day. You were in my dreams today and I didn't want to wake up. At least in my dreams I can feel you and hear your voice, why would I want to wake up from that? 

The one thing that's been on my mind is that I'm 21.... I have the rest of my life to miss you...and grieve....Though everyone says that life goes by so fast but my God....the rest of my life without you is a very long time. It's weird to think that I'm going to be loving your memory, and all the memories of you and I. I feel like I'm going to be that miserable woman that can't be surrounded by happy people. I don't want to laugh or even smile, I don't want to live my life without you. 

I love telling people our story of how we met cause not many people know... That's the way you're going to live by all of our stories that we have of you, Joey. Which in my case I'm the luckiest one because I have the stories of our love. A love that not many people will ever get to experience in their lifetime.  I knew the first night that you and I were going to be forever.  

As many people know Joey and I worked together. Totally scandalous; Manager and server relationship which is so typical in a restaurant. Being 19  and him 30 when we first started seeing each other (secretly) I was trying not to be that server where he simply forgets about...but I knew after one night, that it was not going to be like that. Before the first night that we expressed our feelings for each other, he started scheduling me closing shifts when he would close, so not obvious. After closing we would go and workout because only in Gainesville would there be a 24/7 gym. Those nights we spent hours running and watching HGTV and getting to know each other and than we started going on our not yet "dates" to Sonny's during the day  before we would go to work. All this time spent with each other we still never told each other our feelings to each other until sometime around October 18th, so there were 3 months of hanging out every day.   On Mondays it was bowling night, so I closed one Monday and I knew he was going bowling with everyone from work, well by midnight he was obviously drunk, soooooo I got there and started drinking. It was the first time we had been around each other while we were drinking so obviously we started flirting a little bit more...I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he would look at me. Next thing I know, Joey is running outside to his car, so what do I do...run after him and ask him "What do you think you're doing" and he told me to get in the car. With the drink still in my hand, I did. (FYI we still have that glass) Than he starts driving, we get to the stop light and he grabs my left hand and holds it and kisses it and tells me we were going to be just fine. Obviously with a few drinks in me, I'm looking at him like a crazy person (obviously my heart is beating) Until we got to his house, he never let go of my hand. When we got to his place, I sat down on his couch and looked at him and told him that nothing was going to happen that night because one, I wasn't that type of girl and two he was my manager. He looked at me and he said he knew and at that moment I dared him to kiss me, and he grabbed my face and kissed me.  We woke up the next morning, and I couldn't believe that I was laying in the same bed as him, worst part is I still had my Nikes on. He threw on different clothes and this time was the first time I saw him in normal clothes and he wore his glasses. I never found him more sexy than when he wore his glasses. He took me back to my car but on the way he stopped at Mcdonalds and bought me a sweet tea with extra ice...at that moment I knew it was game over and that he was the one.  Thats where our story began and the love lives on..

Joey he is going to live through me, telling our stories. He touched so many hearts and I was that special person that he wanted to spend the rest of his life. How lucky am I, to be able to say that..

Week One, down...so many more to go..

Tuesday Morning

Today is one week.
Woke up this morning and it felt just like our daily routine..except you weren't there and I was simply just getting ready by myself. I didn't have a million good morning kisses, or the smell of your aftershave  or better yet just didn't have you.  I'm sitting and waiting for my classes to start today and I just don't want to be here. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown any minute, hence why I'm writing.
I can't believe I've gone a week without your voice, touch, smile or laughter. This feeling of you gone is a feeling like no other. I cried some last night and cried some on the way here....but I know you're here sitting right next to me, not allowing me to cry. You were always so positive and never once did I see you sad, so I know you're giving me that positive energy. I keep questioning if I'm not normal because I'm not laying in bed in the dark crying my eyes out. Thats what I feel like I should be doing, I question myself about why I'm not crying because I know I'm not okay. I feel like I'm stuck on a train that just doesn't stop, and it's passing everyone who is living.... I'm in this bubble, a bubble that used to be you and I..  I'll never say that I hurt the most or hurt the least but I can't help but look around at everyone that is grieving for you and just say to myself 'but did you lose your whole entire future, or every single plan or better yet the love of your life?'
I kept waking up last night because well one I was sleeping alone in our bed, and two I kept waking up to see if you were in the room. I know you aren't going to be there.

The other night when I was at the bar, I zipped up my purse that I bought in NYC, the one that broke right after I bought it. I wish you would of saw my face when I zipped it up because I know that it was you! We weren't able to fix that stupid purse even when we got back to Florida. I look at that purse now and I think I'm a crazy person because I'm saying that you fixed my stupid purse. I find the little things that remind me that you are still here with me...
Missing you so much
Love you More.

One Week

Tomorrow will be seven days since God took you away. Those seven days have gone by so fast.
I think I have ran out tears, but just when I think that... I start crying. I sleep on your side of the bed and only your side of the bed. I keep praying that this is all a nightmare and I will wake up soon to you right next to me. Waking up to your kisses are what I miss the most.  I hate waking up without you and going to sleep without you. I miss the feeling of your lips and your arms around me.
The aftershave you would put on every morning that I thought was too strong is now always on my wrist so I can smell you, constantly. In my mind you're on a very long vacation where I can't talk to you...and any day you're going to walk through our front door.
People don't know how I'm able to be in our house but this is our home. I have to walk around the area where I found you laying, the way your eyes looked at me when I found you...I can't get out of my head. I question every second if there was something I could of done, why couldn't I see the signs over the weekend.
I don't know how to live in a world without you, I don't want to breathe without you or even wake up.
We did everything together, we were planning our future. We had the names of our children, we already knew the type of wedding we would have, and even the house we planned having.
Our future was taken away from us...
Can't believe it's been one week...