Dr. Pepper Ribs..

Tonight at Chili's I saw on their menu that they now serve Dr.Pepper ribs, Ugh I know that was Joey. Joey made a year ago Dr.Pepper ribs for JNO, Paul and I. He knew how much I loved Dr.Pepper and he looked up a recipe  on pinterest. They were so amazing, I mean super spicy but oh so good...just like all of Joeys food that he made. I started making a list on my phone of all the little signs that I believe is Joey telling me he's with me. I'm sure I look like a crazy person when I realize that something might be a sign from Joey. 

I am missing Joey so much, I don't expect anyone to walk this journey with me every day. I'm strong enough to say that I am sad, I'm not ashamed of saying that I miss Joey, or that I cry any chance I get or sometimes that it hurts so much that I just want to scream. I'm learning that everyone feels loss differently, whether it be losing a child or best friend or partner, loss hurts..  I wake up every day and I just think to myself 'wow, this is really life.'  

I'm not only dealing with the loss of my life but I am dealing with the grief and realizing that I have to figure out what I'm suppose to do with my life. Joey and I had a life planned, and obviously in life things happen but I sorta planned on having Joey with me to deal with those random things that happen in life. Sometimes I feel like I sound like 'Oh what am I gonna do without Joey, now...' but that's not how I feel.. I know that I'm going to do everything that I said that I would, I know that I'm going to have a life and I'm going to smile and I'm going to laugh and that's the saddest part. Everything now is without Joey. It makes me sick to think that Joey isn't here anymore, I'm never going to come home to him ever again, never going to hear his voice, never going to eat the food he always cooked me, never going to stay awake all night and listen to his obnoxious snoring. 

My grieving is going to last for the rest of my life, and for anyone to say that it isn't is crazy. I remember when people told me that moving to Tampa with Joey was a stupid decision on my part but did I listen to anyone. Hell No. Moving to Tampa was the best decision I ever made, I learned so much about myself moving down here, and I fell more in love with Joey. I loved waking up every day to Joey, I loved knowing that this was our home and every night I was falling asleep in the arms of Joey. 

It's a weird feeling how everyones lives go on, everyone has their wife/husband girlfriend/boyfriend, they have the person they love to cry to, they still have that chance of marriage or having a family, I guess I'm really trying to accept that I don't have Joey anymore, and I have to start from the bottom and figure out what I'm suppose to do. I've always been that girl that knows exactly what she wants but for the first time in my life, I have no idea. It's such a scary feeling, I'm not going to lie but I feel so alone and so scared of what is to come. I don't want any of this, I didn't ask for any of this, this wasn't part of my dreams of Joey and I. One day I'll accept it, maybe. 

Let my tears be still.

No one really knows how someone is suppose to grieve. Everyone has their own opinion. Especially when they aren't entirely in your shoes. At the same time, it is a feeling of loss. No ones grief hurts more or even less than someone else's. Everyone feels a loss and how ever that person deals with it is okay. 

I'm learning that there are some people who just say sly remarks not realizing that it hurts the person. 

Grieving for me, in this journey is talking about Joey. That's the only time I have a smile on my face and tears running from my eyes. Joey was the best part of my life so far. I wish some times people would just close their eyes for one minute and imagine the feeling of loss that I am feeling. Imagine, holding the hand of the love of your life and knowing it's the last time you will ever get to hold their hand, now while your holding on to that persons hand, put your forehead up against their forehead, obviously not caring that tears are falling on their face. Now kiss them goodbye and know that it's the last time. It's the last time you'll get to smell them, last time to feel their skin against yours, last time to feel and hear their heartbeat. I'm sure if you imagined that with the person you loved, you probably would feel sick to your stomach. I long to just be held by Joey again and hear his voice, to taste his kiss.  

I'm mature enough to know that I'm not the only one that has ever experienced a tragic loss of that special someone, and obviously friends experience the grief and mourn the loss also.  

Joey met so many people in his life, and he had a lot of close friends, well best friends actually. I can't even imagine the pain that they feel every day or that the pain his family feels. Most of joeys best friends obviously knew him longer than I knew him, but how ever long you know someone does not make the grief any less painful. 

Joey and I knew each other for 2 years, we were together for a year and half.. And those 2 years are enough to last for a lifetime and forever. My heart will never be the same and I will never be the same person I was before all of this. 

I get up everyday, and I do our routine. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and never get up. I know though, that there are things to be done. Joey might not be with me physically, but every morning he is the one pulling me out of bed. 

I don't feel anything, I'm still numb to it all. I cry any chance I get, for some reason I want to cry all the time in my classes. Today for some reason, I was in math class and I just couldn't figure out a stupid problem and at that moment I wanted to punch something and cry, not because I was frustrated with math, but because I'm frustrated and mentally exhausted with life. I'm so mad at life right now, I'm so mad that Joey is gone. My best friend, partner, love of my life is GONE. It's a tough pill to swallow. 

I'm trying really hard, I put on a smile for people, I'll laugh but I am seriously dying inside. I don't need people lecturing me on their opinion on grief, or that other people are grieving. I know all of it, I don't need other people telling that I need to stop being sad.

Put yourself in my shoes, imagine losing the love of your life. Don't look at it as mourning a loss of a friend or parent or child, look at it through my eyes and my heart... I am trying, and I'm trying to do the best I can do. So let me cry, let me talk about Joey. 

Joey is gone, but no one can ever take away the love that him and I had, no one can ever take away the feeling of that love and no one can ever take away the fact that he chose me out of all the wonderful people he met. I am so blessed to say that I was loved by Joseph Jude Fischetti. 

So just let me be sad and miss him.