Let my tears be still.

No one really knows how someone is suppose to grieve. Everyone has their own opinion. Especially when they aren't entirely in your shoes. At the same time, it is a feeling of loss. No ones grief hurts more or even less than someone else's. Everyone feels a loss and how ever that person deals with it is okay. 

I'm learning that there are some people who just say sly remarks not realizing that it hurts the person. 

Grieving for me, in this journey is talking about Joey. That's the only time I have a smile on my face and tears running from my eyes. Joey was the best part of my life so far. I wish some times people would just close their eyes for one minute and imagine the feeling of loss that I am feeling. Imagine, holding the hand of the love of your life and knowing it's the last time you will ever get to hold their hand, now while your holding on to that persons hand, put your forehead up against their forehead, obviously not caring that tears are falling on their face. Now kiss them goodbye and know that it's the last time. It's the last time you'll get to smell them, last time to feel their skin against yours, last time to feel and hear their heartbeat. I'm sure if you imagined that with the person you loved, you probably would feel sick to your stomach. I long to just be held by Joey again and hear his voice, to taste his kiss.  

I'm mature enough to know that I'm not the only one that has ever experienced a tragic loss of that special someone, and obviously friends experience the grief and mourn the loss also.  

Joey met so many people in his life, and he had a lot of close friends, well best friends actually. I can't even imagine the pain that they feel every day or that the pain his family feels. Most of joeys best friends obviously knew him longer than I knew him, but how ever long you know someone does not make the grief any less painful. 

Joey and I knew each other for 2 years, we were together for a year and half.. And those 2 years are enough to last for a lifetime and forever. My heart will never be the same and I will never be the same person I was before all of this. 

I get up everyday, and I do our routine. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and never get up. I know though, that there are things to be done. Joey might not be with me physically, but every morning he is the one pulling me out of bed. 

I don't feel anything, I'm still numb to it all. I cry any chance I get, for some reason I want to cry all the time in my classes. Today for some reason, I was in math class and I just couldn't figure out a stupid problem and at that moment I wanted to punch something and cry, not because I was frustrated with math, but because I'm frustrated and mentally exhausted with life. I'm so mad at life right now, I'm so mad that Joey is gone. My best friend, partner, love of my life is GONE. It's a tough pill to swallow. 

I'm trying really hard, I put on a smile for people, I'll laugh but I am seriously dying inside. I don't need people lecturing me on their opinion on grief, or that other people are grieving. I know all of it, I don't need other people telling that I need to stop being sad.

Put yourself in my shoes, imagine losing the love of your life. Don't look at it as mourning a loss of a friend or parent or child, look at it through my eyes and my heart... I am trying, and I'm trying to do the best I can do. So let me cry, let me talk about Joey. 

Joey is gone, but no one can ever take away the love that him and I had, no one can ever take away the feeling of that love and no one can ever take away the fact that he chose me out of all the wonderful people he met. I am so blessed to say that I was loved by Joseph Jude Fischetti. 

So just let me be sad and miss him.