Wherever love goes..

Sure feels like forever since my world went tumbling down, and yet it feels like it was yesterday. It's weird how I wasn't looking for you when I fell in love with you and now I search for you everywhere. You are in my dreams every time I close my eyes, but the one dream that occurs the most is that I am in a field of purple wild flowers and it's the evening time...I unlock a rusty gate and run up a hill and run...run trying to find you. Right before I wake up I get to a farm house...almost looks like a farm house that I could see us spending the rest of our lives in...I walk in the house and you're there, and I wake up. I miss you Joey so much, and I know you are here with me. I know you are there lying next to me when I'm trying to sleep but can't because I need your embrace and need to feel your skin. Who knew I could miss the sound of your snoring SO freaking much. What I miss most is having you snuggling and having your face in my neck, sleeping.  I know you are here when I feel so alone or when I'm in my car, crying my eyes out because that's the only time that people can't seem me crying. You will forever be my shotgun rider, changing the songs and belting out the song lyrics with me.
You were/are the love of my life, best friend, partner. I hope you are with me and get to see all the good and love that God still has planned for the rest of the journey... There aren't any words to express all of the emotions that I feel.

There are so many things that I miss about Joey, I could write a novel about all the things I miss.
I miss something new every day, lately I just miss the feeling I would get when I knew he was in the room. He had such a great energy, and the moment he left the room, I found myself following him like a puppy dog! hahaha, maybe thats just love. We were attached to the hip.
The only time I'm really in the house is when I'm sleeping or studying, I find myself having to not be in the house so I do more exploring in Tampa. The other day I found a Golden Corral and almost balled my eyes out, just because I wish I would of known we lived 5 minutes from one. Joey and I loved food, haha and we always talked about the buffet and Golden Corral...and I find one 5 minutes from us..when he's gone.
Joey and I know each other SO well, I know that Joey is in Heaven cooking up a storm, golfing... but most of all I know he is here with me. I wish he was physically here so we could do all the things that we said we were going to do. I can't help but be bitter when I see my friends getting engaged and married and having babies and I can and probably will say that forever.

It's crazy how alone I feel, I can be in a room full of people and feel like I'm the only one in there.  When Joey passed away, I kept telling my mom how I couldn't wait until people left me alone and now I'm lucky if I get one or two text a day. Don't get me wrong it's nice to not have a bunch of people texting me but it just adds to the amount of loneliness I feel. When people do text me or talk to me they ask me how I'm doing, what's the point of asking if everyone is going to lecture me on how I need to stop being sad. You asked how I'm doing, and I'm miserable...and I'm dying inside each and every day without Joey in my life. Take a walk in my shoes and I bet most of you wouldn't even be able to walk  12 feet in them. It sucks being 21 and knowing that you have your whole life to live without someone that you love more than anything. I find strength in talking to Joey in my head, if you think you're crazy for doing certain things, just imagine talking to someone that isn't even here anymore. I feel like a crazy person, talking to someone in my head but not talking at all in person to anyone, crying any chance I get, forcing myself to go back to sleep. I thought I was exhausted working 40 hours a week and going to school full time but this beats any feeling of being exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I can't even concentrate, if I had it my way I'd lay in bed and never get out of it but the funny thing is I can't even lay in bed all day and cry. Thats the one thing that I want to do, but I can't do it.

5 weeks since Joey left this world, how have I even gone 5 weeks without him. I look at all of Joeys stuff in our place and I wonder when I'll ever be ready to box it up, if I'll ever be ready. Who knows.
Going on is so hard...I don't want to do it anymore, but sadly I have too.

You and I, Joey <3