The next chapter...

Over this weekend, I thought about a lot of things. I guess I realized that Joey isn't coming back and the next chapter of my life has begun and it began on 1/20/15 when he passed away and I had to let go of his hand.  Ugh, I wish there were words to describe the feeling I felt that moment I walked out of Joeys ICU room, after I said goodbye to him..I remember all the nurses looking at me and I remember just feeling so heavy and I felt like I wasn't even alive. It felt like I was gliding, with tears in my eyes. I died when Joey passed away. People can judge me and say what they want about how I shouldn't say things like that, but it's how I feel. You know I didn't want to say goodbye to Joey, but I did. I knew that he wasn't there and it's a weird feeling I felt as if he was right over me with his hand on my shoulder. I've talked to many people about how the first night in the ER, I knew Joey knew I was there. I saw it in his eyes, I don't know how many times I told him I loved him or how many times I kissed his lips or put my head up to his. I kept making jokes to his nurses because I couldn't stop rubbing his head because HE LOVED THAT! That was our nightly routine, he'd rub my feet and I'd rub his back and his head. That was my favorite part of the day and that started when we started dating and never stopped.  If he hadn't been hooked up to so many machines or kept having seizures I would of laid right next to him until the doctors and nurses forced me out of that hospital. His  hand was always so heavy in mine at the hospital, but  the last time I held his hand and said goodbye to him, it felt right and knowing that makes me get through the day.
The days feel as though they all run into each other. I wake up, realize that I woke up and ask why and then I get up and walk around and realize 'wow, Joey is really gone!' I'm proud of myself though, I get out of bed! Gosh, I wish I could just lay in bed and be sad and cry but I can't! Since Joey passed away, I don't think that I've done that. I'm proud that I stayed in school because I am so close to my dreams! School is keeping me sane, it keeps my mind off of things. Surprisingly I love being at work, because it gives me a chance to talk to complete strangers about Joey and I! I talk about Joey and I with a huge smile on my face, let's be real how can anyone talk about Joey without a smile on their face. I get to tell our love story, and I'm so blessed to be able to say that I was loved by Joey and I love him! 
Now I guess I'm in this weird stage of knowing that my semester ends in the end of April and what am I suppose to do after that?! Do I stay in Tampa, or do I move to NYC  like I always said I would do. People ask my why do you want to move somewhere new and not back to Gainesville, (where I'm from) my answer is why would I do that?!?! Joey met so many people and lived all over and experienced life and that's what I want to do! I'm ready for my new adventure with him by my side, guiding me with his signs! Joey will be with me with every decision I make in life and I know I will see him everywhere I go. I can't wait to do all the things that I said I was going to do, and make Joey proud and everyone else proud as well. This next chapter in my life is finding who this new "me" is. Taking baby steps in my new journey... I'm taking the road less traveled, with Joey in my heart. I am missing him so much...

Wherever love goes..

Sure feels like forever since my world went tumbling down, and yet it feels like it was yesterday. It's weird how I wasn't looking for you when I fell in love with you and now I search for you everywhere. You are in my dreams every time I close my eyes, but the one dream that occurs the most is that I am in a field of purple wild flowers and it's the evening time...I unlock a rusty gate and run up a hill and run...run trying to find you. Right before I wake up I get to a farm house...almost looks like a farm house that I could see us spending the rest of our lives in...I walk in the house and you're there, and I wake up. I miss you Joey so much, and I know you are here with me. I know you are there lying next to me when I'm trying to sleep but can't because I need your embrace and need to feel your skin. Who knew I could miss the sound of your snoring SO freaking much. What I miss most is having you snuggling and having your face in my neck, sleeping.  I know you are here when I feel so alone or when I'm in my car, crying my eyes out because that's the only time that people can't seem me crying. You will forever be my shotgun rider, changing the songs and belting out the song lyrics with me.
You were/are the love of my life, best friend, partner. I hope you are with me and get to see all the good and love that God still has planned for the rest of the journey... There aren't any words to express all of the emotions that I feel.

There are so many things that I miss about Joey, I could write a novel about all the things I miss.
I miss something new every day, lately I just miss the feeling I would get when I knew he was in the room. He had such a great energy, and the moment he left the room, I found myself following him like a puppy dog! hahaha, maybe thats just love. We were attached to the hip.
The only time I'm really in the house is when I'm sleeping or studying, I find myself having to not be in the house so I do more exploring in Tampa. The other day I found a Golden Corral and almost balled my eyes out, just because I wish I would of known we lived 5 minutes from one. Joey and I loved food, haha and we always talked about the buffet and Golden Corral...and I find one 5 minutes from us..when he's gone.
Joey and I know each other SO well, I know that Joey is in Heaven cooking up a storm, golfing... but most of all I know he is here with me. I wish he was physically here so we could do all the things that we said we were going to do. I can't help but be bitter when I see my friends getting engaged and married and having babies and I can and probably will say that forever.

It's crazy how alone I feel, I can be in a room full of people and feel like I'm the only one in there.  When Joey passed away, I kept telling my mom how I couldn't wait until people left me alone and now I'm lucky if I get one or two text a day. Don't get me wrong it's nice to not have a bunch of people texting me but it just adds to the amount of loneliness I feel. When people do text me or talk to me they ask me how I'm doing, what's the point of asking if everyone is going to lecture me on how I need to stop being sad. You asked how I'm doing, and I'm miserable...and I'm dying inside each and every day without Joey in my life. Take a walk in my shoes and I bet most of you wouldn't even be able to walk  12 feet in them. It sucks being 21 and knowing that you have your whole life to live without someone that you love more than anything. I find strength in talking to Joey in my head, if you think you're crazy for doing certain things, just imagine talking to someone that isn't even here anymore. I feel like a crazy person, talking to someone in my head but not talking at all in person to anyone, crying any chance I get, forcing myself to go back to sleep. I thought I was exhausted working 40 hours a week and going to school full time but this beats any feeling of being exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I can't even concentrate, if I had it my way I'd lay in bed and never get out of it but the funny thing is I can't even lay in bed all day and cry. Thats the one thing that I want to do, but I can't do it.

5 weeks since Joey left this world, how have I even gone 5 weeks without him. I look at all of Joeys stuff in our place and I wonder when I'll ever be ready to box it up, if I'll ever be ready. Who knows.
Going on is so hard...I don't want to do it anymore, but sadly I have too.

You and I, Joey <3

4 weeks.

It's amazing how I can feel so much hurt and pain from Joey passing away. I never knew that any human could feel this way, the human body is strange thing. Today, February 17th is 4 weeks and Friday February 20th will be ONE MONTH. How is it even possible, that he's been gone this long.
One month isn't that long, but it's been the longest month without him. You get in a routine and that routine becomes your life and the person who you share that routine with becomes your life. I sit and think about how I'm having to start from the bottom, I have a new routine and it's me just going through the motions and feeling numb. I find myself talking about Joey more and more, there are so many things that remind me of him and for me, that's okay because it makes me think of him.

The other night I was trying to use my Uber app on my phone to get a ride home, well it wasn't working, kept saying network error...as if. Using that Uber app makes me think of Joey and I because we loved using Uber. I didn't know about Uber until I moved to Tampa with Joey and at first I looked at him crazy, wondering why  he thought it was okay to get in a car with a complete stranger. I knew if we were going to use Uber, Joey was not going to shut up in the car. Sometimes I would be embarrassed but I realized that, was just who Joey was. I have so many Uber stories and I could tell you the lives of maybe 15 uber drivers because of Joey. My favorite Uber ride was with Joey and my best friend Janna. It was a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and Janna had come down from NYC. It was Jannas first time meeting Joey and at first I was so scared for them to meet because I really wanted Janna to like Joey. Well, the three of us got in that Uber car and headed to South Howard and I felt like the 4th wheel. Our Uber driver could not speak any english and of course Joey and Janna both knew how to speak spanish, so as the three of them are laughing there butts off and having a heart to heart in spanish, I was sitting silently in disbelief. After the Uber car ride, Joey and Janna were BFF's, I almost felt as if they needed to be together! HAHA. Joey always felt the need to get to know someone and why they were where they were in life. I loved that about Joey, he had a heart of gold and he really loved meeting people.
Brings me back to another memory of Joey and I, it was the first day we moved to Tampa!
August 9th 2014, we just dropped the Uhaul off and started unpacking, and he was just so eager to go watch the sunset, I had never seen him so excited to go see a stupid sunset! We started walking around our complex and found the trail by the water and sat on a swing...turns out that a huge group hung out at the spot and I just knew at that moment that we were going to be sitting there for a very long time. Joey instantly made 8 new friends that night, which is no surprise. There was always someone for Joey to meet and get to know.
I'm sure he's made a billion new friends up there in Heaven. I can't wait for the day where I am with him again, it's a sickening feeling. I miss him so much, I don't know how I'm even going on... because I have the urge to cry at any moment of the day. You know that feeling in your throat when you're just about to cry but force yourself not too...that's how I feel ALL the time! I wake up, and force myself to go back to sleep because I don't want to be awake without him. I wish I would know the reason why God took away Joey at such a young age, we had too many things to do and that's the hardest part to get over.

Just let me cry..

Three weeks today, how is it that it's gone by so fast. It feels like yesterday when I was holding Joeys hand saying goodbye to him. It still doesn't seem real, it's not something I'm going to accept. I know I have to understand that he passed away and that he's gone but there are somethings in life that you don't have to accept. This isn't something that's going to get better over time...I don't have the flu...I've lost the love of my life and I'm sad.  This is going to be such a long road ahead of me, I'm grieving over Joey passing away, I'm grieving over the fact that him and I will never get married or have a family of our own. I'm not just grieving over his death but also the person I was when I was with him, the life we shared and the plans we had. When people tell me I need to get on with my life now, what am I suppose to say to that?  My life is going on, it's going on with out Joey. I have to force myself to get up out of bed and go through my days and go through the motions. My sadness hits me like a earthquake, always unexpected.  Don't get me wrong, I am my own person, I am my own woman and a very independent one at that, but that doesn't mean that I can't grieve over my boyfriend passing away so unexpectedly. I know I have a bright future, I'm twenty-one and I get to spend every day of the rest of my life missing Joey....Let that sink in...the rest of my life.. I hate it. 

 

I loved you then...

Around this time last year, we were still "hiding" our relationship lol. It's so funny because we were so used to our routine. Go to work, usually you would go into work first and than I would go in 5 hours after you would. I loved going into work because I had just seen you hours ago and no one had a clue!
You would leave work and I usually closed, but we both knew that after work I was going to be with you at your place. Sometimes we didn't plan it and sometimes we did but it got to the point where my clothes were there and I would start leaving my hair stuff and shampoo...so I was there pretty much all the time.
I loved spending the nights with you, just watching either House of Cards or some other stupid show and just sitting on that couch talking! My FAVORITE night was I think February 6th 2014, I think it was around that date. I had horrible back pains to the point where I couldn't even walk, actually couldn't even get out of bed so I just stayed at your place until you got home from work. I remember going out to the living room with you and watched House of Cards because we wanted to re watch the first season before the second season came out on Valentines day. Well we started chit chatting about everything and just stopped watching the show. I just remember starting to get butterflies in my stomach and my heart started to race because I could tell that you were about to say that you loved me. I knew I wasn't going to be the first one to say it, because I didn't want to look crazy but I knew I loved you from the first night that we started hanging out together. Just writing about that night makes me get butterflies and makes my heart race. It wasn't anything romantic it was just you and I and what we usually did. I was so happy when you told me you loved me, and after you telling me that we started talking about our future. We knew we couldn't stay at the restaurant and still be together so one of us was going to have to leave. Sadly, Joey just became General Manager so I would of never let him leave...but God had other plans when he decided to close that restaurant down in March.
That story brings me back to another story, Christmas Eve of 2013...  It was the night where we gave each other our Christmas gifts. Although my gifts were totally lame compared to what you bought me but it's the thought that counts.  You cooked me dinner, and we watched some tv and then I told you that we should open our gifts.  I gave you all of your gifts, which honestly I had no idea what to get you! After you opened up your gifts, you walked into your closet and one by one started to hand me all sorts of gifts. When you handed me the last one, you started crying and told me that you just wanted me to know how special of a woman I was to you, and obviously I had already been crying because I had never felt so loved before in my life. I felt so lucky to be with you, we hadn't told each other that we loved each other yet, but I loved you then.

You know, so many people say that the first few months is the honeymoon phase for every couple, trust me I heard that from my family and friends especially when I spent so much time with him.  Our motto was, that couples should always be in the honeymoon phase. I can tell you, every time I came home from work or when Joey came home from work, we kissed each other probably 20 times, LOL.
There would be times when I'd come home from work just frustrated and he'd be standing there with a kissy face waiting for me to kiss him and if I looked at him or walked past him he'd grab me and kiss me. We never went a day without telling each other that we loved one another. We probably did that a million times a day. We always cooked together, well Joey did most of the cooking...I would honestly just annoy him in the kitchen...haha. We always sat at the dinner table and talked about our day or just anything in general. We loved talking to each other, everyone knows Joey loved to talk and so do I so we were perfect for each other. We did everything together!

It's so hard with him not here, my world is crumbled into tiny little pieces and now I'm here to pick them up.

Missing you so much Joey <3

The 5 stages of Grief

This isn't a really happy/ memory post.

I've taken enough classes to know that there are 5 stages of grief.
It begins with denial and isolation, then comes anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
I'm at four of those right now.
I talk to myself all day because I'm talking to you, everything that I would normally be saying to you in person or in a text is what I'm saying to myself. After a while you start to feel like a crazy person. I can't believe you're gone. I just keep waiting for you to call me or walk through our door. I walk into our home and expect a kiss from you or that smile!
Coming back home from NYC tonight, I walked in our home and I feel nothing but anger.  I haven't felt this yet. I want to punch the wall, I want to literally tear a part our place. Even if I did all of that, it wouldn't make me feel any better. I am so angry at God right now, I'm trying to understand the bigger picture right now, but I just can't see it. Like what's the lesson to be learned here....Who possibly needs to learn a lesson from this?  Is it for the people that are newly engaged or just now getting married, so that they can make sure that they tell their loved one, how much they love them. Is it for the people to see that there is real love out there. Or is it for that one couple who fights all the time or abuses each other, so they can see that what they have isn't love?
Is it for the couple that has nothing but lies and cheating? Like who needs to learn a lesson and why do they have to learn from Joey passing away?
It's just not fair, Joey had the biggest heart and would never hurt anyone. He was the happiest person that I've ever met. Why Joey? Trust me I've heard it from everyone 'Only the good die young' Well that quote is stupid.
Now it's all about bargaining, I can sit for hours and think what I could of done to prevent this. I know though, that there's nothing that I could of done. Who ever thinks that their boyfriend is going to have a massive stroke at 32? I sure as hell didn't. I did all I could over the weekend thinking that he had the flu, I checked on him every 3o minutes. Woke him up, to drink, so that he didn't get dehydrated. Rubbed his head and back....If I would of known that he wasn't going to be here anymore, I would of slept with him those three nights instead of sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to get sick.  I would of never let him go.
Now it's depression, which started two weeks ago. Something that I will be dealing with for a very long time. Just when I think I don't have anymore tears, I start crying. My heart hurts.

I just really can't believe Joey is gone, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm so lost and so numb.
We were that happy couple, we were the ones in love. We had the plans, we had a future and it's just gone.


"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by...
...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time" 

Making my way to New York City!!

My flight to New York City left at 7pm and the sun had just set, when we took off, I looked to my left and saw the remaining part of the sunset and knew it was you. Thinking about the fact that I was just in New York City with you a month ago is weird.. I'm so blessed I got the chance to spend 5 days there with you. Our first real vacation together, and it's a memory that I will never forget.
It's a weird emotion, I'm excited, sad and numb all at the same time. I still can't believe you're gone and gone forever. I still get that feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning, but I had to get up for my classes, and of course like always I left the house an hour before I had too. Somethings don't change.
Our friends text me and say it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be happy also, but I don't want to feel either of those...I don't want to feel anything.  I don't want to ever get over this, I just want to sit and remember you and all of our happy times.  Which was the last year and half of my life.
I replay the night I found you over and over and over and over. I replay over and over again that whole entire weekend. I should of taken you to the doctor, it's what you would of done to me but I was trusting you and listening to you. Things happen when you least expect it, and I never thought you would of had a stroke.  I should of known something wasn't right, I should of not listened to you. I know you knew I was there, I saw it in your eyes that night and I keep that image with me forever. I thought I've felt helpless before but this experience has taken it to a whole new level.

I'm in this weird state of mind, because I'm 21 and we planned our whole future and yet things get in the way and plans change...so I'm learning. What am I suppose to do now, I know I need to finish school because in the back of my mind you are cheering me on and you would want that for me. Nursing school is a dream of mine and it also became a dream for you. It was our dream.  I can't do many of things that we said we would do because well you aren't here anymore. You're in heaven and always by my side.
Who knows what I'll do maybe I'll move to New York City in the summer just like I always nagged you about, begin a new chapter in my life, not knowing what I'm suppose to be doing. Maybe I'll audition for the Miami Heat Dancers like I always talked about, I know you loved to watch me to dance and you always bragged on me. *Blushes* I can say that one thing I know I will do is open up a little restaurant or deli like we talked about. Nothing big, but something just right.  I never realized how much I learned from you while you were cooking, I've found myself wanting to cook more, but it's weird being in the kitchen without you. I also know there's a reason you bought me that kitchen aid mixer, I plan on using it so much! There's a whole world out there! You traveled and lived so many places and met so many people, that's exactly what I want to do! Travel! Knowing that you will always be by my side.

I'm realizing that missing you is just going to be a part of my every day life, but I find little things to smile at or laugh at.  Like having free wifi in this airplane is making me so beyond happy and I should be doing my anatomy homework instead of writing this but such is life. HAHA.

I can't wait to get to New York City and act like a New Yorker, you taught me it very well! Always stay on the right side of the escalator, whistle at the taxi's which...I won't be able to do like you, I'm a subway pro now after having you teach me how to use it, and luckily I have both of our metro cards so no One dollar charge to get another one! It's the little things... My favorite memory of you when we went to New York City was how the second we landed, your accent was totally different. It was no longer like we lived in the south but it was your New York accent! I still hear it in my head, and it makes me smile!
I really can't be sad when I think about you and I because I was the happiest I had ever been before. You taught me so much in life, and I will take it everywhere I go and I know I will see you everywhere I go! We're gonna go to so many places hun!


Gotta go for now, turbulence is a bitch and well I don't have you to hold on too!