At the end of the aisle

I think at an early age girls always dream of their wedding. For me, I always had an idea of what type of wedding I wanted, but never knew what type of guy would be standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me. When I fell in love with Joey, I knew he was going to be that man at the end of the aisle. We talked about the type of wedding we would have, and we weren't even engaged yet. I obviously come from a very small family and only have a few close friends that I could see being at my wedding, well Mr. Fischetti had a huge family and the amount of friends he had is crazy. Joey would always talk about how he would probably have twenty groomsmen and he would joke how I would probably have 5 bridesmaids. He was right, haha. Seeing the amount of people at his funeral I could only imagine the size of our wedding that we would of had. Which brings me to why I'm writing this blog, the day of his funeral has been on my mind.
At twenty-one, I was planning more of a future wedding then the love of my life's funeral. At twenty-one I was with his closest girlfriends trying on navy blue dresses for his funeral instead of what I really thought I would of been doing with his friends like saying yes to a white dress. Looking into that mirror trying on navy blue dresses, I remember just staring and saying to myself 'is this really happening.' His friends just saying that the dresses looked great on me, all I cared was that I wanted to Joey to look down on me and think that I was looking beautiful even though I was dying inside. Now, let me tell you, I walked down a aisle, in a beautiful cathedral. I walked down in my blue navy dress, I was walking down the aisle to say goodbye to Joey. He was the reason I was walking down that aisle, but it wasn't the reason I thought I would walk down the aisle for. His funeral was beautiful, and all of his family and friends from all over were there, I'll never forget walking out of the Cathedral holding on to his soon to be sister-in-law and just clenching her hand and crying so hard. Let me tell you, there are no words to describe the heartache that I felt or feel everyday. After his funeral we had a celebration of his life, gosh I met so many people and all because of how much Joey was loved. I sat down at the table for the whole time, and sat there and just thought how cruel and wrong this was. I wanted a wedding with Joey, I wanted a house, I wanted kids, I wanted the adventures and I wanted it all with Joey. I wanted to meet all of these wonderful people because they were there to celebrate the love that Joey and I shared.  It's funny how life is cruel and how things happen. It's funny how I got the dress and I got to walk down that aisle and it was all to say goodbye to the love of my life.
Next friday, March 20th 2015 will be two months, how? How has it been this long, it feels like yesterday. My days are going by so fast but yet so slow. My heart aches, and I don't lie when I say that, it does ache. I miss his corkyness and his smile, I wonder how I can be this strong...and it's because Joey is with me. He is in my smile when I tell stories of him and I or tell complete strangers about him and how amazing he is. He's always by my side.
Why did you have to leave?

The next chapter...

Over this weekend, I thought about a lot of things. I guess I realized that Joey isn't coming back and the next chapter of my life has begun and it began on 1/20/15 when he passed away and I had to let go of his hand.  Ugh, I wish there were words to describe the feeling I felt that moment I walked out of Joeys ICU room, after I said goodbye to him..I remember all the nurses looking at me and I remember just feeling so heavy and I felt like I wasn't even alive. It felt like I was gliding, with tears in my eyes. I died when Joey passed away. People can judge me and say what they want about how I shouldn't say things like that, but it's how I feel. You know I didn't want to say goodbye to Joey, but I did. I knew that he wasn't there and it's a weird feeling I felt as if he was right over me with his hand on my shoulder. I've talked to many people about how the first night in the ER, I knew Joey knew I was there. I saw it in his eyes, I don't know how many times I told him I loved him or how many times I kissed his lips or put my head up to his. I kept making jokes to his nurses because I couldn't stop rubbing his head because HE LOVED THAT! That was our nightly routine, he'd rub my feet and I'd rub his back and his head. That was my favorite part of the day and that started when we started dating and never stopped.  If he hadn't been hooked up to so many machines or kept having seizures I would of laid right next to him until the doctors and nurses forced me out of that hospital. His  hand was always so heavy in mine at the hospital, but  the last time I held his hand and said goodbye to him, it felt right and knowing that makes me get through the day.
The days feel as though they all run into each other. I wake up, realize that I woke up and ask why and then I get up and walk around and realize 'wow, Joey is really gone!' I'm proud of myself though, I get out of bed! Gosh, I wish I could just lay in bed and be sad and cry but I can't! Since Joey passed away, I don't think that I've done that. I'm proud that I stayed in school because I am so close to my dreams! School is keeping me sane, it keeps my mind off of things. Surprisingly I love being at work, because it gives me a chance to talk to complete strangers about Joey and I! I talk about Joey and I with a huge smile on my face, let's be real how can anyone talk about Joey without a smile on their face. I get to tell our love story, and I'm so blessed to be able to say that I was loved by Joey and I love him! 
Now I guess I'm in this weird stage of knowing that my semester ends in the end of April and what am I suppose to do after that?! Do I stay in Tampa, or do I move to NYC  like I always said I would do. People ask my why do you want to move somewhere new and not back to Gainesville, (where I'm from) my answer is why would I do that?!?! Joey met so many people and lived all over and experienced life and that's what I want to do! I'm ready for my new adventure with him by my side, guiding me with his signs! Joey will be with me with every decision I make in life and I know I will see him everywhere I go. I can't wait to do all the things that I said I was going to do, and make Joey proud and everyone else proud as well. This next chapter in my life is finding who this new "me" is. Taking baby steps in my new journey... I'm taking the road less traveled, with Joey in my heart. I am missing him so much...

Wherever love goes..

Sure feels like forever since my world went tumbling down, and yet it feels like it was yesterday. It's weird how I wasn't looking for you when I fell in love with you and now I search for you everywhere. You are in my dreams every time I close my eyes, but the one dream that occurs the most is that I am in a field of purple wild flowers and it's the evening time...I unlock a rusty gate and run up a hill and run...run trying to find you. Right before I wake up I get to a farm house...almost looks like a farm house that I could see us spending the rest of our lives in...I walk in the house and you're there, and I wake up. I miss you Joey so much, and I know you are here with me. I know you are there lying next to me when I'm trying to sleep but can't because I need your embrace and need to feel your skin. Who knew I could miss the sound of your snoring SO freaking much. What I miss most is having you snuggling and having your face in my neck, sleeping.  I know you are here when I feel so alone or when I'm in my car, crying my eyes out because that's the only time that people can't seem me crying. You will forever be my shotgun rider, changing the songs and belting out the song lyrics with me.
You were/are the love of my life, best friend, partner. I hope you are with me and get to see all the good and love that God still has planned for the rest of the journey... There aren't any words to express all of the emotions that I feel.

There are so many things that I miss about Joey, I could write a novel about all the things I miss.
I miss something new every day, lately I just miss the feeling I would get when I knew he was in the room. He had such a great energy, and the moment he left the room, I found myself following him like a puppy dog! hahaha, maybe thats just love. We were attached to the hip.
The only time I'm really in the house is when I'm sleeping or studying, I find myself having to not be in the house so I do more exploring in Tampa. The other day I found a Golden Corral and almost balled my eyes out, just because I wish I would of known we lived 5 minutes from one. Joey and I loved food, haha and we always talked about the buffet and Golden Corral...and I find one 5 minutes from us..when he's gone.
Joey and I know each other SO well, I know that Joey is in Heaven cooking up a storm, golfing... but most of all I know he is here with me. I wish he was physically here so we could do all the things that we said we were going to do. I can't help but be bitter when I see my friends getting engaged and married and having babies and I can and probably will say that forever.

It's crazy how alone I feel, I can be in a room full of people and feel like I'm the only one in there.  When Joey passed away, I kept telling my mom how I couldn't wait until people left me alone and now I'm lucky if I get one or two text a day. Don't get me wrong it's nice to not have a bunch of people texting me but it just adds to the amount of loneliness I feel. When people do text me or talk to me they ask me how I'm doing, what's the point of asking if everyone is going to lecture me on how I need to stop being sad. You asked how I'm doing, and I'm miserable...and I'm dying inside each and every day without Joey in my life. Take a walk in my shoes and I bet most of you wouldn't even be able to walk  12 feet in them. It sucks being 21 and knowing that you have your whole life to live without someone that you love more than anything. I find strength in talking to Joey in my head, if you think you're crazy for doing certain things, just imagine talking to someone that isn't even here anymore. I feel like a crazy person, talking to someone in my head but not talking at all in person to anyone, crying any chance I get, forcing myself to go back to sleep. I thought I was exhausted working 40 hours a week and going to school full time but this beats any feeling of being exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I can't even concentrate, if I had it my way I'd lay in bed and never get out of it but the funny thing is I can't even lay in bed all day and cry. Thats the one thing that I want to do, but I can't do it.

5 weeks since Joey left this world, how have I even gone 5 weeks without him. I look at all of Joeys stuff in our place and I wonder when I'll ever be ready to box it up, if I'll ever be ready. Who knows.
Going on is so hard...I don't want to do it anymore, but sadly I have too.

You and I, Joey <3

Just let me cry..

Three weeks today, how is it that it's gone by so fast. It feels like yesterday when I was holding Joeys hand saying goodbye to him. It still doesn't seem real, it's not something I'm going to accept. I know I have to understand that he passed away and that he's gone but there are somethings in life that you don't have to accept. This isn't something that's going to get better over time...I don't have the flu...I've lost the love of my life and I'm sad.  This is going to be such a long road ahead of me, I'm grieving over Joey passing away, I'm grieving over the fact that him and I will never get married or have a family of our own. I'm not just grieving over his death but also the person I was when I was with him, the life we shared and the plans we had. When people tell me I need to get on with my life now, what am I suppose to say to that?  My life is going on, it's going on with out Joey. I have to force myself to get up out of bed and go through my days and go through the motions. My sadness hits me like a earthquake, always unexpected.  Don't get me wrong, I am my own person, I am my own woman and a very independent one at that, but that doesn't mean that I can't grieve over my boyfriend passing away so unexpectedly. I know I have a bright future, I'm twenty-one and I get to spend every day of the rest of my life missing Joey....Let that sink in...the rest of my life.. I hate it. 

 

17 days

It amazes me how it's been 17 days since you've passed away. I've gone 17 days without hearing your voice or laughter. I've gone without your kisses and your warm embrace. I've gone 17 days without smelling that aftershave on your face when you kiss me. I've gone 17 days without your name popping up on my phone. I've gone 17 days without your foot massages. The list goes on and on and on. 

Everyone said it would get easier and honestly it just gets harder. I can't sleep at night and when I finally do, I dream of you. Just let me sleep if that's the only time I can see you and I together. 

I'm pretty sure I'm killing our plants that we bought a week before you passed away, but hey... What am I gonna do with all that cilantro, mint and basil. That was all for you. All your clothes are still hanging up, everything is still the way it would be, as if you were here. I probably won't box anything up until I decide when I'm going to move.  I find myself waking up every morning, more sad then the day before. I find myself crying more, any chance I get, I cry. I'm missing you so much, I never knew missing someone could be so painful. Everyone says you're always watching over me and with me.. But I don't feel you... In my mind everything is a blur from the last several weeks. 

Honestly the one thing that keeps me going is the love that we shared and the fact that you chose me to love. Out of everyone you met in your lifetime (which was a lot) you chose me! When we first started working out together after the late nights at work I never thought we would be anything. There was one night that changed my mind though, I was doing some stupid weight machine for my legs and you put it on like 300 pounds and told me to do it. Lmao. You were just standing there next to me cheering me on as I was struggling, and at that point for some reason I remember thinking to myself at that moment, you were going to be the man I married and have children with. I don't know why at that moment at the gym I decided that. 

I'm missing your positivity, always just cheering me on and making me a better person. When I was down or frustrated you always knew what to say or do to bring that smile back to my face. 

I'm trying to focus on school because I know that, that's what you want for me. It's what we both wanted, but it's hard. 

It's hard sitting in class and listening to the lecture because I'm thinking of you. I don't have you texting me through out the day, and when I leave my classes, I know you aren't going to be home.

I go through a roller coaster of emotions 24/7, it's like I shouldn't be around happy people honestly. You are my forever love Joseph Fischetti, and love never dies.