St.Pattys Day

St.Patricks day is a very special day for Joey and I, last year on St.Patricks day we both lost our jobs because KC Crave shut down. Now for us it was bittersweet, KC crave shutting down meant that we could actually act like a real couple, the sad side was we lost our jobs and Joey had just became General Manager there. Becoming GM of a restaurant was Joey's dream and goal and he finally got that, I remember the night he came to my house telling me he became GM and I also remember the morning he called me saying the restaurant shut down. I was getting ready for work, Joey was suppose to be at a meeting and had just left but I knew something was up when he called me 15 minutes after he left. So St.Pattys was on a Monday last year and Mondays were our bowling nights and man, I couldn't wait to go bowling and not act like Joey and I weren't dating. I remember walking in and he saw me and he kissed me in front of everybody, such a happy moment in my life. I just remember us both telling each other how much we loved each other. We didn't know what we were going to do after that night because we were both jobless, lol but we knew that we were going to be together.
It's weird that St.Pattys day this year also falls on 8 weeks of Joey being gone. My mind still thinks that he's on vacation and that he's going to come home but theres days that I realize that he's not. Lately, I've been so emotional about him being gone. I just really miss him. This is our first photo that we ever posted, on St.Pattys day last year. I look at this and all I see is happiness and so much love. That moment I thought I loved Joey so much but we moved to Tampa and I fell so much more in love with him. This man was my future and on that night I didn't know what adventures we were going to have but I knew I was going to be right next to him. Now tomorrow is St.Pattys day and he's not here. What kind of bullshit is that, we had so many more things to do.

Missing you so much Joey

Dr. Pepper Ribs..

Tonight at Chili's I saw on their menu that they now serve Dr.Pepper ribs, Ugh I know that was Joey. Joey made a year ago Dr.Pepper ribs for JNO, Paul and I. He knew how much I loved Dr.Pepper and he looked up a recipe  on pinterest. They were so amazing, I mean super spicy but oh so good...just like all of Joeys food that he made. I started making a list on my phone of all the little signs that I believe is Joey telling me he's with me. I'm sure I look like a crazy person when I realize that something might be a sign from Joey. 

I am missing Joey so much, I don't expect anyone to walk this journey with me every day. I'm strong enough to say that I am sad, I'm not ashamed of saying that I miss Joey, or that I cry any chance I get or sometimes that it hurts so much that I just want to scream. I'm learning that everyone feels loss differently, whether it be losing a child or best friend or partner, loss hurts..  I wake up every day and I just think to myself 'wow, this is really life.'  

I'm not only dealing with the loss of my life but I am dealing with the grief and realizing that I have to figure out what I'm suppose to do with my life. Joey and I had a life planned, and obviously in life things happen but I sorta planned on having Joey with me to deal with those random things that happen in life. Sometimes I feel like I sound like 'Oh what am I gonna do without Joey, now...' but that's not how I feel.. I know that I'm going to do everything that I said that I would, I know that I'm going to have a life and I'm going to smile and I'm going to laugh and that's the saddest part. Everything now is without Joey. It makes me sick to think that Joey isn't here anymore, I'm never going to come home to him ever again, never going to hear his voice, never going to eat the food he always cooked me, never going to stay awake all night and listen to his obnoxious snoring. 

My grieving is going to last for the rest of my life, and for anyone to say that it isn't is crazy. I remember when people told me that moving to Tampa with Joey was a stupid decision on my part but did I listen to anyone. Hell No. Moving to Tampa was the best decision I ever made, I learned so much about myself moving down here, and I fell more in love with Joey. I loved waking up every day to Joey, I loved knowing that this was our home and every night I was falling asleep in the arms of Joey. 

It's a weird feeling how everyones lives go on, everyone has their wife/husband girlfriend/boyfriend, they have the person they love to cry to, they still have that chance of marriage or having a family, I guess I'm really trying to accept that I don't have Joey anymore, and I have to start from the bottom and figure out what I'm suppose to do. I've always been that girl that knows exactly what she wants but for the first time in my life, I have no idea. It's such a scary feeling, I'm not going to lie but I feel so alone and so scared of what is to come. I don't want any of this, I didn't ask for any of this, this wasn't part of my dreams of Joey and I. One day I'll accept it, maybe. 

Just let me cry..

Three weeks today, how is it that it's gone by so fast. It feels like yesterday when I was holding Joeys hand saying goodbye to him. It still doesn't seem real, it's not something I'm going to accept. I know I have to understand that he passed away and that he's gone but there are somethings in life that you don't have to accept. This isn't something that's going to get better over time...I don't have the flu...I've lost the love of my life and I'm sad.  This is going to be such a long road ahead of me, I'm grieving over Joey passing away, I'm grieving over the fact that him and I will never get married or have a family of our own. I'm not just grieving over his death but also the person I was when I was with him, the life we shared and the plans we had. When people tell me I need to get on with my life now, what am I suppose to say to that?  My life is going on, it's going on with out Joey. I have to force myself to get up out of bed and go through my days and go through the motions. My sadness hits me like a earthquake, always unexpected.  Don't get me wrong, I am my own person, I am my own woman and a very independent one at that, but that doesn't mean that I can't grieve over my boyfriend passing away so unexpectedly. I know I have a bright future, I'm twenty-one and I get to spend every day of the rest of my life missing Joey....Let that sink in...the rest of my life.. I hate it. 

 

The 5 stages of Grief

This isn't a really happy/ memory post.

I've taken enough classes to know that there are 5 stages of grief.
It begins with denial and isolation, then comes anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
I'm at four of those right now.
I talk to myself all day because I'm talking to you, everything that I would normally be saying to you in person or in a text is what I'm saying to myself. After a while you start to feel like a crazy person. I can't believe you're gone. I just keep waiting for you to call me or walk through our door. I walk into our home and expect a kiss from you or that smile!
Coming back home from NYC tonight, I walked in our home and I feel nothing but anger.  I haven't felt this yet. I want to punch the wall, I want to literally tear a part our place. Even if I did all of that, it wouldn't make me feel any better. I am so angry at God right now, I'm trying to understand the bigger picture right now, but I just can't see it. Like what's the lesson to be learned here....Who possibly needs to learn a lesson from this?  Is it for the people that are newly engaged or just now getting married, so that they can make sure that they tell their loved one, how much they love them. Is it for the people to see that there is real love out there. Or is it for that one couple who fights all the time or abuses each other, so they can see that what they have isn't love?
Is it for the couple that has nothing but lies and cheating? Like who needs to learn a lesson and why do they have to learn from Joey passing away?
It's just not fair, Joey had the biggest heart and would never hurt anyone. He was the happiest person that I've ever met. Why Joey? Trust me I've heard it from everyone 'Only the good die young' Well that quote is stupid.
Now it's all about bargaining, I can sit for hours and think what I could of done to prevent this. I know though, that there's nothing that I could of done. Who ever thinks that their boyfriend is going to have a massive stroke at 32? I sure as hell didn't. I did all I could over the weekend thinking that he had the flu, I checked on him every 3o minutes. Woke him up, to drink, so that he didn't get dehydrated. Rubbed his head and back....If I would of known that he wasn't going to be here anymore, I would of slept with him those three nights instead of sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to get sick.  I would of never let him go.
Now it's depression, which started two weeks ago. Something that I will be dealing with for a very long time. Just when I think I don't have anymore tears, I start crying. My heart hurts.

I just really can't believe Joey is gone, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm so lost and so numb.
We were that happy couple, we were the ones in love. We had the plans, we had a future and it's just gone.


"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by...
...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time"