I think at an early age girls always dream of their wedding. For me, I always had an idea of what type of wedding I wanted, but never knew what type of guy would be standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me. When I fell in love with Joey, I knew he was going to be that man at the end of the aisle. We talked about the type of wedding we would have, and we weren't even engaged yet. I obviously come from a very small family and only have a few close friends that I could see being at my wedding, well Mr. Fischetti had a huge family and the amount of friends he had is crazy. Joey would always talk about how he would probably have twenty groomsmen and he would joke how I would probably have 5 bridesmaids. He was right, haha. Seeing the amount of people at his funeral I could only imagine the size of our wedding that we would of had. Which brings me to why I'm writing this blog, the day of his funeral has been on my mind.
At twenty-one, I was planning more of a future wedding then the love of my life's funeral. At twenty-one I was with his closest girlfriends trying on navy blue dresses for his funeral instead of what I really thought I would of been doing with his friends like saying yes to a white dress. Looking into that mirror trying on navy blue dresses, I remember just staring and saying to myself 'is this really happening.' His friends just saying that the dresses looked great on me, all I cared was that I wanted to Joey to look down on me and think that I was looking beautiful even though I was dying inside. Now, let me tell you, I walked down a aisle, in a beautiful cathedral. I walked down in my blue navy dress, I was walking down the aisle to say goodbye to Joey. He was the reason I was walking down that aisle, but it wasn't the reason I thought I would walk down the aisle for. His funeral was beautiful, and all of his family and friends from all over were there, I'll never forget walking out of the Cathedral holding on to his soon to be sister-in-law and just clenching her hand and crying so hard. Let me tell you, there are no words to describe the heartache that I felt or feel everyday. After his funeral we had a celebration of his life, gosh I met so many people and all because of how much Joey was loved. I sat down at the table for the whole time, and sat there and just thought how cruel and wrong this was. I wanted a wedding with Joey, I wanted a house, I wanted kids, I wanted the adventures and I wanted it all with Joey. I wanted to meet all of these wonderful people because they were there to celebrate the love that Joey and I shared. It's funny how life is cruel and how things happen. It's funny how I got the dress and I got to walk down that aisle and it was all to say goodbye to the love of my life.
Next friday, March 20th 2015 will be two months, how? How has it been this long, it feels like yesterday. My days are going by so fast but yet so slow. My heart aches, and I don't lie when I say that, it does ache. I miss his corkyness and his smile, I wonder how I can be this strong...and it's because Joey is with me. He is in my smile when I tell stories of him and I or tell complete strangers about him and how amazing he is. He's always by my side.
Why did you have to leave?
Showing posts with label loveliveson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loveliveson. Show all posts
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Wherever love goes..
Sure feels like forever since my world went tumbling down, and yet it feels like it was yesterday. It's weird how I wasn't looking for you when I fell in love with you and now I search for you everywhere. You are in my dreams every time I close my eyes, but the one dream that occurs the most is that I am in a field of purple wild flowers and it's the evening time...I unlock a rusty gate and run up a hill and run...run trying to find you. Right before I wake up I get to a farm house...almost looks like a farm house that I could see us spending the rest of our lives in...I walk in the house and you're there, and I wake up. I miss you Joey so much, and I know you are here with me. I know you are there lying next to me when I'm trying to sleep but can't because I need your embrace and need to feel your skin. Who knew I could miss the sound of your snoring SO freaking much. What I miss most is having you snuggling and having your face in my neck, sleeping. I know you are here when I feel so alone or when I'm in my car, crying my eyes out because that's the only time that people can't seem me crying. You will forever be my shotgun rider, changing the songs and belting out the song lyrics with me.You were/are the love of my life, best friend, partner. I hope you are with me and get to see all the good and love that God still has planned for the rest of the journey... There aren't any words to express all of the emotions that I feel.
There are so many things that I miss about Joey, I could write a novel about all the things I miss.I miss something new every day, lately I just miss the feeling I would get when I knew he was in the room. He had such a great energy, and the moment he left the room, I found myself following him like a puppy dog! hahaha, maybe thats just love. We were attached to the hip.
The only time I'm really in the house is when I'm sleeping or studying, I find myself having to not be in the house so I do more exploring in Tampa. The other day I found a Golden Corral and almost balled my eyes out, just because I wish I would of known we lived 5 minutes from one. Joey and I loved food, haha and we always talked about the buffet and Golden Corral...and I find one 5 minutes from us..when he's gone.
Joey and I know each other SO well, I know that Joey is in Heaven cooking up a storm, golfing... but most of all I know he is here with me. I wish he was physically here so we could do all the things that we said we were going to do. I can't help but be bitter when I see my friends getting engaged and married and having babies and I can and probably will say that forever.It's crazy how alone I feel, I can be in a room full of people and feel like I'm the only one in there. When Joey passed away, I kept telling my mom how I couldn't wait until people left me alone and now I'm lucky if I get one or two text a day. Don't get me wrong it's nice to not have a bunch of people texting me but it just adds to the amount of loneliness I feel. When people do text me or talk to me they ask me how I'm doing, what's the point of asking if everyone is going to lecture me on how I need to stop being sad. You asked how I'm doing, and I'm miserable...and I'm dying inside each and every day without Joey in my life. Take a walk in my shoes and I bet most of you wouldn't even be able to walk 12 feet in them. It sucks being 21 and knowing that you have your whole life to live without someone that you love more than anything. I find strength in talking to Joey in my head, if you think you're crazy for doing certain things, just imagine talking to someone that isn't even here anymore. I feel like a crazy person, talking to someone in my head but not talking at all in person to anyone, crying any chance I get, forcing myself to go back to sleep. I thought I was exhausted working 40 hours a week and going to school full time but this beats any feeling of being exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I can't even concentrate, if I had it my way I'd lay in bed and never get out of it but the funny thing is I can't even lay in bed all day and cry. Thats the one thing that I want to do, but I can't do it.
5 weeks since Joey left this world, how have I even gone 5 weeks without him. I look at all of Joeys stuff in our place and I wonder when I'll ever be ready to box it up, if I'll ever be ready. Who knows.
Going on is so hard...I don't want to do it anymore, but sadly I have too.
You and I, Joey <3
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Just let me cry..
Monday, February 2, 2015
I loved you then...
Around this time last year, we were still "hiding" our relationship lol. It's so funny because we were so used to our routine. Go to work, usually you would go into work first and than I would go in 5 hours after you would. I loved going into work because I had just seen you hours ago and no one had a clue!
You would leave work and I usually closed, but we both knew that after work I was going to be with you at your place. Sometimes we didn't plan it and sometimes we did but it got to the point where my clothes were there and I would start leaving my hair stuff and shampoo...so I was there pretty much all the time.
I loved spending the nights with you, just watching either House of Cards or some other stupid show and just sitting on that couch talking! My FAVORITE night was I think February 6th 2014, I think it was around that date. I had horrible back pains to the point where I couldn't even walk, actually couldn't even get out of bed so I just stayed at your place until you got home from work. I remember going out to the living room with you and watched House of Cards because we wanted to re watch the first season before the second season came out on Valentines day. Well we started chit chatting about everything and just stopped watching the show. I just remember starting to get butterflies in my stomach and my heart started to race because I could tell that you were about to say that you loved me. I knew I wasn't going to be the first one to say it, because I didn't want to look crazy but I knew I loved you from the first night that we started hanging out together. Just writing about that night makes me get butterflies and makes my heart race. It wasn't anything romantic it was just you and I and what we usually did. I was so happy when you told me you loved me, and after you telling me that we started talking about our future. We knew we couldn't stay at the restaurant and still be together so one of us was going to have to leave. Sadly, Joey just became General Manager so I would of never let him leave...but God had other plans when he decided to close that restaurant down in March.
That story brings me back to another story, Christmas Eve of 2013... It was the night where we gave each other our Christmas gifts. Although my gifts were totally lame compared to what you bought me but it's the thought that counts. You cooked me dinner, and we watched some tv and then I told you that we should open our gifts. I gave you all of your gifts, which honestly I had no idea what to get you! After you opened up your gifts, you walked into your closet and one by one started to hand me all sorts of gifts. When you handed me the last one, you started crying and told me that you just wanted me to know how special of a woman I was to you, and obviously I had already been crying because I had never felt so loved before in my life. I felt so lucky to be with you, we hadn't told each other that we loved each other yet, but I loved you then.
You know, so many people say that the first few months is the honeymoon phase for every couple, trust me I heard that from my family and friends especially when I spent so much time with him. Our motto was, that couples should always be in the honeymoon phase. I can tell you, every time I came home from work or when Joey came home from work, we kissed each other probably 20 times, LOL.
There would be times when I'd come home from work just frustrated and he'd be standing there with a kissy face waiting for me to kiss him and if I looked at him or walked past him he'd grab me and kiss me. We never went a day without telling each other that we loved one another. We probably did that a million times a day. We always cooked together, well Joey did most of the cooking...I would honestly just annoy him in the kitchen...haha. We always sat at the dinner table and talked about our day or just anything in general. We loved talking to each other, everyone knows Joey loved to talk and so do I so we were perfect for each other. We did everything together!
It's so hard with him not here, my world is crumbled into tiny little pieces and now I'm here to pick them up.
Missing you so much Joey <3
You would leave work and I usually closed, but we both knew that after work I was going to be with you at your place. Sometimes we didn't plan it and sometimes we did but it got to the point where my clothes were there and I would start leaving my hair stuff and shampoo...so I was there pretty much all the time.
I loved spending the nights with you, just watching either House of Cards or some other stupid show and just sitting on that couch talking! My FAVORITE night was I think February 6th 2014, I think it was around that date. I had horrible back pains to the point where I couldn't even walk, actually couldn't even get out of bed so I just stayed at your place until you got home from work. I remember going out to the living room with you and watched House of Cards because we wanted to re watch the first season before the second season came out on Valentines day. Well we started chit chatting about everything and just stopped watching the show. I just remember starting to get butterflies in my stomach and my heart started to race because I could tell that you were about to say that you loved me. I knew I wasn't going to be the first one to say it, because I didn't want to look crazy but I knew I loved you from the first night that we started hanging out together. Just writing about that night makes me get butterflies and makes my heart race. It wasn't anything romantic it was just you and I and what we usually did. I was so happy when you told me you loved me, and after you telling me that we started talking about our future. We knew we couldn't stay at the restaurant and still be together so one of us was going to have to leave. Sadly, Joey just became General Manager so I would of never let him leave...but God had other plans when he decided to close that restaurant down in March.
That story brings me back to another story, Christmas Eve of 2013... It was the night where we gave each other our Christmas gifts. Although my gifts were totally lame compared to what you bought me but it's the thought that counts. You cooked me dinner, and we watched some tv and then I told you that we should open our gifts. I gave you all of your gifts, which honestly I had no idea what to get you! After you opened up your gifts, you walked into your closet and one by one started to hand me all sorts of gifts. When you handed me the last one, you started crying and told me that you just wanted me to know how special of a woman I was to you, and obviously I had already been crying because I had never felt so loved before in my life. I felt so lucky to be with you, we hadn't told each other that we loved each other yet, but I loved you then.
There would be times when I'd come home from work just frustrated and he'd be standing there with a kissy face waiting for me to kiss him and if I looked at him or walked past him he'd grab me and kiss me. We never went a day without telling each other that we loved one another. We probably did that a million times a day. We always cooked together, well Joey did most of the cooking...I would honestly just annoy him in the kitchen...haha. We always sat at the dinner table and talked about our day or just anything in general. We loved talking to each other, everyone knows Joey loved to talk and so do I so we were perfect for each other. We did everything together!
It's so hard with him not here, my world is crumbled into tiny little pieces and now I'm here to pick them up.
Missing you so much Joey <3
Sunday, February 1, 2015
The 5 stages of Grief
This isn't a really happy/ memory post.
I've taken enough classes to know that there are 5 stages of grief.
It begins with denial and isolation, then comes anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
I'm at four of those right now.
I talk to myself all day because I'm talking to you, everything that I would normally be saying to you in person or in a text is what I'm saying to myself. After a while you start to feel like a crazy person. I can't believe you're gone. I just keep waiting for you to call me or walk through our door. I walk into our home and expect a kiss from you or that smile!
Coming back home from NYC tonight, I walked in our home and I feel nothing but anger. I haven't felt this yet. I want to punch the wall, I want to literally tear a part our place. Even if I did all of that, it wouldn't make me feel any better. I am so angry at God right now, I'm trying to understand the bigger picture right now, but I just can't see it. Like what's the lesson to be learned here....Who possibly needs to learn a lesson from this? Is it for the people that are newly engaged or just now getting married, so that they can make sure that they tell their loved one, how much they love them. Is it for the people to see that there is real love out there. Or is it for that one couple who fights all the time or abuses each other, so they can see that what they have isn't love?
Is it for the couple that has nothing but lies and cheating? Like who needs to learn a lesson and why do they have to learn from Joey passing away?
It's just not fair, Joey had the biggest heart and would never hurt anyone. He was the happiest person that I've ever met. Why Joey? Trust me I've heard it from everyone 'Only the good die young' Well that quote is stupid.
Now it's all about bargaining, I can sit for hours and think what I could of done to prevent this. I know though, that there's nothing that I could of done. Who ever thinks that their boyfriend is going to have a massive stroke at 32? I sure as hell didn't. I did all I could over the weekend thinking that he had the flu, I checked on him every 3o minutes. Woke him up, to drink, so that he didn't get dehydrated. Rubbed his head and back....If I would of known that he wasn't going to be here anymore, I would of slept with him those three nights instead of sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to get sick. I would of never let him go.
Now it's depression, which started two weeks ago. Something that I will be dealing with for a very long time. Just when I think I don't have anymore tears, I start crying. My heart hurts.
I just really can't believe Joey is gone, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm so lost and so numb.
We were that happy couple, we were the ones in love. We had the plans, we had a future and it's just gone.
"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by...
...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time"
I've taken enough classes to know that there are 5 stages of grief.
It begins with denial and isolation, then comes anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
I'm at four of those right now.
I talk to myself all day because I'm talking to you, everything that I would normally be saying to you in person or in a text is what I'm saying to myself. After a while you start to feel like a crazy person. I can't believe you're gone. I just keep waiting for you to call me or walk through our door. I walk into our home and expect a kiss from you or that smile!
Coming back home from NYC tonight, I walked in our home and I feel nothing but anger. I haven't felt this yet. I want to punch the wall, I want to literally tear a part our place. Even if I did all of that, it wouldn't make me feel any better. I am so angry at God right now, I'm trying to understand the bigger picture right now, but I just can't see it. Like what's the lesson to be learned here....Who possibly needs to learn a lesson from this? Is it for the people that are newly engaged or just now getting married, so that they can make sure that they tell their loved one, how much they love them. Is it for the people to see that there is real love out there. Or is it for that one couple who fights all the time or abuses each other, so they can see that what they have isn't love?
Is it for the couple that has nothing but lies and cheating? Like who needs to learn a lesson and why do they have to learn from Joey passing away?
It's just not fair, Joey had the biggest heart and would never hurt anyone. He was the happiest person that I've ever met. Why Joey? Trust me I've heard it from everyone 'Only the good die young' Well that quote is stupid.
Now it's all about bargaining, I can sit for hours and think what I could of done to prevent this. I know though, that there's nothing that I could of done. Who ever thinks that their boyfriend is going to have a massive stroke at 32? I sure as hell didn't. I did all I could over the weekend thinking that he had the flu, I checked on him every 3o minutes. Woke him up, to drink, so that he didn't get dehydrated. Rubbed his head and back....If I would of known that he wasn't going to be here anymore, I would of slept with him those three nights instead of sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to get sick. I would of never let him go.
Now it's depression, which started two weeks ago. Something that I will be dealing with for a very long time. Just when I think I don't have anymore tears, I start crying. My heart hurts.
I just really can't believe Joey is gone, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm so lost and so numb.
We were that happy couple, we were the ones in love. We had the plans, we had a future and it's just gone.
"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by...
...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time"
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Making my way to New York City!!
My flight to New York City left at 7pm and the sun had just set, when we took off, I looked to my left and saw the remaining part of the sunset and knew it was you. Thinking about the fact that I was just in New York City with you a month ago is weird.. I'm so blessed I got the chance to spend 5 days there with you. Our first real vacation together, and it's a memory that I will never forget.
It's a weird emotion, I'm excited, sad and numb all at the same time. I still can't believe you're gone and gone forever. I still get that feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning, but I had to get up for my classes, and of course like always I left the house an hour before I had too. Somethings don't change.
Our friends text me and say it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be happy also, but I don't want to feel either of those...I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to ever get over this, I just want to sit and remember you and all of our happy times. Which was the last year and half of my life.
I replay the night I found you over and over and over and over. I replay over and over again that whole entire weekend. I should of taken you to the doctor, it's what you would of done to me but I was trusting you and listening to you. Things happen when you least expect it, and I never thought you would of had a stroke. I should of known something wasn't right, I should of not listened to you. I know you knew I was there, I saw it in your eyes that night and I keep that image with me forever. I thought I've felt helpless before but this experience has taken it to a whole new level.
I'm in this weird state of mind, because I'm 21 and we planned our whole future and yet things get in the way and plans change...so I'm learning. What am I suppose to do now, I know I need to finish school because in the back of my mind you are cheering me on and you would want that for me. Nursing school is a dream of mine and it also became a dream for you. It was our dream. I can't do many of things that we said we would do because well you aren't here anymore. You're in heaven and always by my side.
Who knows what I'll do maybe I'll move to New York City in the summer just like I always nagged you about, begin a new chapter in my life, not knowing what I'm suppose to be doing. Maybe I'll audition for the Miami Heat Dancers like I always talked about, I know you loved to watch me to dance and you always bragged on me. *Blushes* I can say that one thing I know I will do is open up a little restaurant or deli like we talked about. Nothing big, but something just right. I never realized how much I learned from you while you were cooking, I've found myself wanting to cook more, but it's weird being in the kitchen without you. I also know there's a reason you bought me that kitchen aid mixer, I plan on using it so much! There's a whole world out there! You traveled and lived so many places and met so many people, that's exactly what I want to do! Travel! Knowing that you will always be by my side.
I'm realizing that missing you is just going to be a part of my every day life, but I find little things to smile at or laugh at. Like having free wifi in this airplane is making me so beyond happy and I should be doing my anatomy homework instead of writing this but such is life. HAHA.
I can't wait to get to New York City and act like a New Yorker, you taught me it very well! Always stay on the right side of the escalator, whistle at the taxi's which...I won't be able to do like you, I'm a subway pro now after having you teach me how to use it, and luckily I have both of our metro cards so no One dollar charge to get another one! It's the little things... My favorite memory of you when we went to New York City was how the second we landed, your accent was totally different. It was no longer like we lived in the south but it was your New York accent! I still hear it in my head, and it makes me smile!
I really can't be sad when I think about you and I because I was the happiest I had ever been before. You taught me so much in life, and I will take it everywhere I go and I know I will see you everywhere I go! We're gonna go to so many places hun!
Gotta go for now, turbulence is a bitch and well I don't have you to hold on too!
It's a weird emotion, I'm excited, sad and numb all at the same time. I still can't believe you're gone and gone forever. I still get that feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning, but I had to get up for my classes, and of course like always I left the house an hour before I had too. Somethings don't change.
Our friends text me and say it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be happy also, but I don't want to feel either of those...I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to ever get over this, I just want to sit and remember you and all of our happy times. Which was the last year and half of my life.
I replay the night I found you over and over and over and over. I replay over and over again that whole entire weekend. I should of taken you to the doctor, it's what you would of done to me but I was trusting you and listening to you. Things happen when you least expect it, and I never thought you would of had a stroke. I should of known something wasn't right, I should of not listened to you. I know you knew I was there, I saw it in your eyes that night and I keep that image with me forever. I thought I've felt helpless before but this experience has taken it to a whole new level.
I'm in this weird state of mind, because I'm 21 and we planned our whole future and yet things get in the way and plans change...so I'm learning. What am I suppose to do now, I know I need to finish school because in the back of my mind you are cheering me on and you would want that for me. Nursing school is a dream of mine and it also became a dream for you. It was our dream. I can't do many of things that we said we would do because well you aren't here anymore. You're in heaven and always by my side.
Who knows what I'll do maybe I'll move to New York City in the summer just like I always nagged you about, begin a new chapter in my life, not knowing what I'm suppose to be doing. Maybe I'll audition for the Miami Heat Dancers like I always talked about, I know you loved to watch me to dance and you always bragged on me. *Blushes* I can say that one thing I know I will do is open up a little restaurant or deli like we talked about. Nothing big, but something just right. I never realized how much I learned from you while you were cooking, I've found myself wanting to cook more, but it's weird being in the kitchen without you. I also know there's a reason you bought me that kitchen aid mixer, I plan on using it so much! There's a whole world out there! You traveled and lived so many places and met so many people, that's exactly what I want to do! Travel! Knowing that you will always be by my side.
I'm realizing that missing you is just going to be a part of my every day life, but I find little things to smile at or laugh at. Like having free wifi in this airplane is making me so beyond happy and I should be doing my anatomy homework instead of writing this but such is life. HAHA.
I can't wait to get to New York City and act like a New Yorker, you taught me it very well! Always stay on the right side of the escalator, whistle at the taxi's which...I won't be able to do like you, I'm a subway pro now after having you teach me how to use it, and luckily I have both of our metro cards so no One dollar charge to get another one! It's the little things... My favorite memory of you when we went to New York City was how the second we landed, your accent was totally different. It was no longer like we lived in the south but it was your New York accent! I still hear it in my head, and it makes me smile!
I really can't be sad when I think about you and I because I was the happiest I had ever been before. You taught me so much in life, and I will take it everywhere I go and I know I will see you everywhere I go! We're gonna go to so many places hun!
Gotta go for now, turbulence is a bitch and well I don't have you to hold on too!
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
That fixer upper...
The days do not get any easier, they say they will, but I don't believe them. It's just not fair, all of our plans have been taken away. The love of my life, my best friend have been taken away from me in a blink of an eye. There were two things that reminded me of you today, well more than that but these were my two favorite.
First one was, walking around the water today in our apartment complex and I noticed that one of the porches had the patio furniture we were going to buy 3 weeks ago. Thank God we didn't because we both know how I don't like having the same thing as other people so now, that is officially considered "BASIC" patio furniture.
Second thing was I saw the kids and Danny and Liz tonight. I see you, in Rocco so much and I promise, you will live on through me. Rocco and Izzy will know how much you love them.
Tomorrow night I leave for New York City, which I'm actually excited about. Janna bought the plane ticket and I know you will be with us the whole time, because you love the both of us to death. I've decided also that I am going to go ice skating since last month you and I didn't do that while we were in the city. There is snow on the ground and it's suppose to snow some more, which I know is your doing because you know I love the snow so much. I always bugged you about moving to NYC, but I also bugged you about moving back home to Gainesville or in our crazy world, moving to Italy.
I was happy being with you anywhere we lived. I hope you know that.
I cried on the way home from Danny's because I wanted what Danny and Liz have. The perfect family, and the perfect two kids! Every time I saw Joey with his nephew and niece I knew he was going to be the man that one day, down the road I would have kids with. Most of our conversations while we lay in bed was about what we would have when that one day came. The one night that stands out the most is on my 21st birthday when we went to St.Pete for First Friday. We sat down, at an outside table and talked for hours as if we just met! We planned our whole entire future that night. We were going to have a huge house, but not a brand new house. We were going to be that couple that bought a fixer upper! Obviously our main priority of that house would be the kitchen to make sure that we had the best kitchen for Joey to cook in! We would have tons of land and a long drive way up to the house.
We didn't even know how many kids we wanted, we just wanted as many as God blessed us with. We knew that if we had a girl her name would be Milania or Ava and if we had a boy his name would be Giovanni or Joey Jr. clearly had to be an italian name. If God made us the next 19 kids and counting, we would of been fine with that. LOL. Joey would of been a great dad, he would of loved our kids like crazy and we pretty much already knew our kids were going to be spoiled and have everything in the world! We wanted the same things, some times we would have our moments when I was being stubborn or stressed out but you were my future and my whole entire world. I can't help but feel bitter...I wanted it all with you. I can't believe you were taken away from me, so fast... All I know is, we told each other a million times a day how much we loved each other, gave each other all the kisses we could give and showed our love for each other in weird ways. lol
I'm missing you so much, and it hurts so much. My heart literally hurts, and I'm here in this world..in a daze.
...Love you more and love you to the moon and back.
"And that's just it, isn't it? That's how we manage to survive the loss. Because love, it never dies, it never goes away, it never fades, so long as you hang on to it.”
First one was, walking around the water today in our apartment complex and I noticed that one of the porches had the patio furniture we were going to buy 3 weeks ago. Thank God we didn't because we both know how I don't like having the same thing as other people so now, that is officially considered "BASIC" patio furniture.
Second thing was I saw the kids and Danny and Liz tonight. I see you, in Rocco so much and I promise, you will live on through me. Rocco and Izzy will know how much you love them.
Tomorrow night I leave for New York City, which I'm actually excited about. Janna bought the plane ticket and I know you will be with us the whole time, because you love the both of us to death. I've decided also that I am going to go ice skating since last month you and I didn't do that while we were in the city. There is snow on the ground and it's suppose to snow some more, which I know is your doing because you know I love the snow so much. I always bugged you about moving to NYC, but I also bugged you about moving back home to Gainesville or in our crazy world, moving to Italy.
I was happy being with you anywhere we lived. I hope you know that.
I cried on the way home from Danny's because I wanted what Danny and Liz have. The perfect family, and the perfect two kids! Every time I saw Joey with his nephew and niece I knew he was going to be the man that one day, down the road I would have kids with. Most of our conversations while we lay in bed was about what we would have when that one day came. The one night that stands out the most is on my 21st birthday when we went to St.Pete for First Friday. We sat down, at an outside table and talked for hours as if we just met! We planned our whole entire future that night. We were going to have a huge house, but not a brand new house. We were going to be that couple that bought a fixer upper! Obviously our main priority of that house would be the kitchen to make sure that we had the best kitchen for Joey to cook in! We would have tons of land and a long drive way up to the house.We didn't even know how many kids we wanted, we just wanted as many as God blessed us with. We knew that if we had a girl her name would be Milania or Ava and if we had a boy his name would be Giovanni or Joey Jr. clearly had to be an italian name. If God made us the next 19 kids and counting, we would of been fine with that. LOL. Joey would of been a great dad, he would of loved our kids like crazy and we pretty much already knew our kids were going to be spoiled and have everything in the world! We wanted the same things, some times we would have our moments when I was being stubborn or stressed out but you were my future and my whole entire world. I can't help but feel bitter...I wanted it all with you. I can't believe you were taken away from me, so fast... All I know is, we told each other a million times a day how much we loved each other, gave each other all the kisses we could give and showed our love for each other in weird ways. lol
I'm missing you so much, and it hurts so much. My heart literally hurts, and I'm here in this world..in a daze.
...Love you more and love you to the moon and back.
"And that's just it, isn't it? That's how we manage to survive the loss. Because love, it never dies, it never goes away, it never fades, so long as you hang on to it.”
Feels like a hangover
Today, is hard for me to get out of bed. There's no clouds in the sky and it looks beautiful out but today I just want to lay in bed. Waking up feels like waking up with a hangover. The worst part is, it's worse than a hangover. I wake up and realize that you're not here and you're not coming back. I realize that life is going on without you. I'm constantly talking to myself because I'm talking to you. Everything I do, I talk to you.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Taco Tuesday
Second Taco Tuesday without you, tried going to Green lemon tonight...the hostess said it would be 45 minutes for a table...which made me think of you because they never give the right estimate on the time. Which was the one thing that made you frustrated with this restaurant. Didn't really feel you today with me, and maybe thats why I cried most of the day and wanted to sleep all day. You were in my dreams today and I didn't want to wake up. At least in my dreams I can feel you and hear your voice, why would I want to wake up from that?
As many people know Joey and I worked together. Totally scandalous; Manager and server relationship which is so typical in a restaurant. Being 19 and him 30 when we first started seeing each other (secretly) I was trying not to be that server where he simply forgets about...but I knew after one night, that it was not going to be like that. Before the first night that we expressed our feelings for each other, he started scheduling me closing shifts when he would close, so not obvious. After closing we would go and workout because only in Gainesville would there be a 24/7 gym. Those nights we spent hours running and watching HGTV and getting to know each other and than we started going on our not yet "dates" to Sonny's during the day before we would go to work. All this time spent with each other we still never told each other our feelings to each other until sometime around October 18th, so there were 3 months of hanging out every day. On Mondays it was bowling night, so I closed one Monday and I knew he was going bowling with everyone from work, well by midnight he was obviously drunk, soooooo I got there and started drinking. It was the first time we had been around each other while we were drinking so obviously we started flirting a little bit more...I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he would look at me. Next thing I know, Joey is running outside to his car, so what do I do...run after him and ask him "What do you think you're doing" and he told me to get in the car. With the drink still in my hand, I did. (FYI we still have that glass) Than he starts driving, we get to the stop light and he grabs my left hand and holds it and kisses it and tells me we were going to be just fine. Obviously with a few drinks in me, I'm looking at him like a crazy person (obviously my heart is beating) Until we got to his house, he never let go of my hand. When we got to his place, I sat down on his couch and looked at him and told him that nothing was going to happen that night because one, I wasn't that type of girl and two he was my manager. He looked at me and he said he knew and at that moment I dared him to kiss me, and he grabbed my face and kissed me. We woke up the next morning, and I couldn't believe that I was laying in the same bed as him, worst part is I still had my Nikes on. He threw on different clothes and this time was the first time I saw him in normal clothes and he wore his glasses. I never found him more sexy than when he wore his glasses. He took me back to my car but on the way he stopped at Mcdonalds and bought me a sweet tea with extra ice...at that moment I knew it was game over and that he was the one. Thats where our story began and the love lives on..
The one thing that's been on my mind is that I'm 21.... I have the rest of my life to miss you...and grieve....Though everyone says that life goes by so fast but my God....the rest of my life without you is a very long time. It's weird to think that I'm going to be loving your memory, and all the memories of you and I. I feel like I'm going to be that miserable woman that can't be surrounded by happy people. I don't want to laugh or even smile, I don't want to live my life without you.
I love telling people our story of how we met cause not many people know... That's the way you're going to live by all of our stories that we have of you, Joey. Which in my case I'm the luckiest one because I have the stories of our love. A love that not many people will ever get to experience in their lifetime. I knew the first night that you and I were going to be forever.
As many people know Joey and I worked together. Totally scandalous; Manager and server relationship which is so typical in a restaurant. Being 19 and him 30 when we first started seeing each other (secretly) I was trying not to be that server where he simply forgets about...but I knew after one night, that it was not going to be like that. Before the first night that we expressed our feelings for each other, he started scheduling me closing shifts when he would close, so not obvious. After closing we would go and workout because only in Gainesville would there be a 24/7 gym. Those nights we spent hours running and watching HGTV and getting to know each other and than we started going on our not yet "dates" to Sonny's during the day before we would go to work. All this time spent with each other we still never told each other our feelings to each other until sometime around October 18th, so there were 3 months of hanging out every day. On Mondays it was bowling night, so I closed one Monday and I knew he was going bowling with everyone from work, well by midnight he was obviously drunk, soooooo I got there and started drinking. It was the first time we had been around each other while we were drinking so obviously we started flirting a little bit more...I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he would look at me. Next thing I know, Joey is running outside to his car, so what do I do...run after him and ask him "What do you think you're doing" and he told me to get in the car. With the drink still in my hand, I did. (FYI we still have that glass) Than he starts driving, we get to the stop light and he grabs my left hand and holds it and kisses it and tells me we were going to be just fine. Obviously with a few drinks in me, I'm looking at him like a crazy person (obviously my heart is beating) Until we got to his house, he never let go of my hand. When we got to his place, I sat down on his couch and looked at him and told him that nothing was going to happen that night because one, I wasn't that type of girl and two he was my manager. He looked at me and he said he knew and at that moment I dared him to kiss me, and he grabbed my face and kissed me. We woke up the next morning, and I couldn't believe that I was laying in the same bed as him, worst part is I still had my Nikes on. He threw on different clothes and this time was the first time I saw him in normal clothes and he wore his glasses. I never found him more sexy than when he wore his glasses. He took me back to my car but on the way he stopped at Mcdonalds and bought me a sweet tea with extra ice...at that moment I knew it was game over and that he was the one. Thats where our story began and the love lives on..
Joey he is going to live through me, telling our stories. He touched so many hearts and I was that special person that he wanted to spend the rest of his life. How lucky am I, to be able to say that..
Week One, down...so many more to go..
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