My flight to New York City left at 7pm and the sun had just set, when we took off, I looked to my left and saw the remaining part of the sunset and knew it was you. Thinking about the fact that I was just in New York City with you a month ago is weird.. I'm so blessed I got the chance to spend 5 days there with you. Our first real vacation together, and it's a memory that I will never forget.
It's a weird emotion, I'm excited, sad and numb all at the same time. I still can't believe you're gone and gone forever. I still get that feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning, but I had to get up for my classes, and of course like always I left the house an hour before I had too. Somethings don't change.
Our friends text me and say it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be happy also, but I don't want to feel either of those...I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to ever get over this, I just want to sit and remember you and all of our happy times. Which was the last year and half of my life.
I replay the night I found you over and over and over and over. I replay over and over again that whole entire weekend. I should of taken you to the doctor, it's what you would of done to me but I was trusting you and listening to you. Things happen when you least expect it, and I never thought you would of had a stroke. I should of known something wasn't right, I should of not listened to you. I know you knew I was there, I saw it in your eyes that night and I keep that image with me forever. I thought I've felt helpless before but this experience has taken it to a whole new level.
I'm in this weird state of mind, because I'm 21 and we planned our whole future and yet things get in the way and plans change...so I'm learning. What am I suppose to do now, I know I need to finish school because in the back of my mind you are cheering me on and you would want that for me. Nursing school is a dream of mine and it also became a dream for you. It was our dream. I can't do many of things that we said we would do because well you aren't here anymore. You're in heaven and always by my side.
Who knows what I'll do maybe I'll move to New York City in the summer just like I always nagged you about, begin a new chapter in my life, not knowing what I'm suppose to be doing. Maybe I'll audition for the Miami Heat Dancers like I always talked about, I know you loved to watch me to dance and you always bragged on me. *Blushes* I can say that one thing I know I will do is open up a little restaurant or deli like we talked about. Nothing big, but something just right. I never realized how much I learned from you while you were cooking, I've found myself wanting to cook more, but it's weird being in the kitchen without you. I also know there's a reason you bought me that kitchen aid mixer, I plan on using it so much! There's a whole world out there! You traveled and lived so many places and met so many people, that's exactly what I want to do! Travel! Knowing that you will always be by my side.
I'm realizing that missing you is just going to be a part of my every day life, but I find little things to smile at or laugh at. Like having free wifi in this airplane is making me so beyond happy and I should be doing my anatomy homework instead of writing this but such is life. HAHA.
I can't wait to get to New York City and act like a New Yorker, you taught me it very well! Always stay on the right side of the escalator, whistle at the taxi's which...I won't be able to do like you, I'm a subway pro now after having you teach me how to use it, and luckily I have both of our metro cards so no One dollar charge to get another one! It's the little things... My favorite memory of you when we went to New York City was how the second we landed, your accent was totally different. It was no longer like we lived in the south but it was your New York accent! I still hear it in my head, and it makes me smile!
I really can't be sad when I think about you and I because I was the happiest I had ever been before. You taught me so much in life, and I will take it everywhere I go and I know I will see you everywhere I go! We're gonna go to so many places hun!
Gotta go for now, turbulence is a bitch and well I don't have you to hold on too!
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