The next chapter...

Over this weekend, I thought about a lot of things. I guess I realized that Joey isn't coming back and the next chapter of my life has begun and it began on 1/20/15 when he passed away and I had to let go of his hand.  Ugh, I wish there were words to describe the feeling I felt that moment I walked out of Joeys ICU room, after I said goodbye to him..I remember all the nurses looking at me and I remember just feeling so heavy and I felt like I wasn't even alive. It felt like I was gliding, with tears in my eyes. I died when Joey passed away. People can judge me and say what they want about how I shouldn't say things like that, but it's how I feel. You know I didn't want to say goodbye to Joey, but I did. I knew that he wasn't there and it's a weird feeling I felt as if he was right over me with his hand on my shoulder. I've talked to many people about how the first night in the ER, I knew Joey knew I was there. I saw it in his eyes, I don't know how many times I told him I loved him or how many times I kissed his lips or put my head up to his. I kept making jokes to his nurses because I couldn't stop rubbing his head because HE LOVED THAT! That was our nightly routine, he'd rub my feet and I'd rub his back and his head. That was my favorite part of the day and that started when we started dating and never stopped.  If he hadn't been hooked up to so many machines or kept having seizures I would of laid right next to him until the doctors and nurses forced me out of that hospital. His  hand was always so heavy in mine at the hospital, but  the last time I held his hand and said goodbye to him, it felt right and knowing that makes me get through the day.
The days feel as though they all run into each other. I wake up, realize that I woke up and ask why and then I get up and walk around and realize 'wow, Joey is really gone!' I'm proud of myself though, I get out of bed! Gosh, I wish I could just lay in bed and be sad and cry but I can't! Since Joey passed away, I don't think that I've done that. I'm proud that I stayed in school because I am so close to my dreams! School is keeping me sane, it keeps my mind off of things. Surprisingly I love being at work, because it gives me a chance to talk to complete strangers about Joey and I! I talk about Joey and I with a huge smile on my face, let's be real how can anyone talk about Joey without a smile on their face. I get to tell our love story, and I'm so blessed to be able to say that I was loved by Joey and I love him! 
Now I guess I'm in this weird stage of knowing that my semester ends in the end of April and what am I suppose to do after that?! Do I stay in Tampa, or do I move to NYC  like I always said I would do. People ask my why do you want to move somewhere new and not back to Gainesville, (where I'm from) my answer is why would I do that?!?! Joey met so many people and lived all over and experienced life and that's what I want to do! I'm ready for my new adventure with him by my side, guiding me with his signs! Joey will be with me with every decision I make in life and I know I will see him everywhere I go. I can't wait to do all the things that I said I was going to do, and make Joey proud and everyone else proud as well. This next chapter in my life is finding who this new "me" is. Taking baby steps in my new journey... I'm taking the road less traveled, with Joey in my heart. I am missing him so much...