17 days

It amazes me how it's been 17 days since you've passed away. I've gone 17 days without hearing your voice or laughter. I've gone without your kisses and your warm embrace. I've gone 17 days without smelling that aftershave on your face when you kiss me. I've gone 17 days without your name popping up on my phone. I've gone 17 days without your foot massages. The list goes on and on and on. 

Everyone said it would get easier and honestly it just gets harder. I can't sleep at night and when I finally do, I dream of you. Just let me sleep if that's the only time I can see you and I together. 

I'm pretty sure I'm killing our plants that we bought a week before you passed away, but hey... What am I gonna do with all that cilantro, mint and basil. That was all for you. All your clothes are still hanging up, everything is still the way it would be, as if you were here. I probably won't box anything up until I decide when I'm going to move.  I find myself waking up every morning, more sad then the day before. I find myself crying more, any chance I get, I cry. I'm missing you so much, I never knew missing someone could be so painful. Everyone says you're always watching over me and with me.. But I don't feel you... In my mind everything is a blur from the last several weeks. 

Honestly the one thing that keeps me going is the love that we shared and the fact that you chose me to love. Out of everyone you met in your lifetime (which was a lot) you chose me! When we first started working out together after the late nights at work I never thought we would be anything. There was one night that changed my mind though, I was doing some stupid weight machine for my legs and you put it on like 300 pounds and told me to do it. Lmao. You were just standing there next to me cheering me on as I was struggling, and at that point for some reason I remember thinking to myself at that moment, you were going to be the man I married and have children with. I don't know why at that moment at the gym I decided that. 

I'm missing your positivity, always just cheering me on and making me a better person. When I was down or frustrated you always knew what to say or do to bring that smile back to my face. 

I'm trying to focus on school because I know that, that's what you want for me. It's what we both wanted, but it's hard. 

It's hard sitting in class and listening to the lecture because I'm thinking of you. I don't have you texting me through out the day, and when I leave my classes, I know you aren't going to be home.

I go through a roller coaster of emotions 24/7, it's like I shouldn't be around happy people honestly. You are my forever love Joseph Fischetti, and love never dies.