Girl in the bar...

Yeah, ya know that random pretty girl standing at the bar with no man, she's not at the bar looking for anyone. Well maybe she is looking for someone, she's actually looking for two people. The love of her life that slipped through her fingers and the old girl she used to be. She's not there to dance with you, she's not there for you to offer her a drink, quite frankly she doesn't even want to talk to you. She's standing there listening to the music with the Jim beam that he used to drink in her hand and when their song comes on it's easier to chug that drink and get one more. Just one more though, because she's already feeling sad. 

Now you can come up and talk, ask a the questions you want like 'why are you here' or 'you're to pretty to be here by yourself so where's your man', so don't get that scared look on your face when she says "her boyfriend unfortunately isn't with her anymore because he passed away". You asked and she gave you her honest answer, you don't have to make it anymore awkward than it is, she knows you won't know what to say and she'll be counting down in her head until you decide to walk away. That moment when you walk away is going to be gold, because she doesn't want to talk to you to begin with. 

That's the funny thing, she's a girl in a bar, with his name around her neck and the memory of them in her head and the love of him and her in her heart. She's not there to talk, she's not there to get drunk. She's there to feel numb and watch life happen. She's there standing hoping that maybe all of this is just a bad dream, sometimes it feels like it's a dream for her because in her mind he's going to be home when she gets there. Maybe she's there because it's better than laying in bed crying or feeling empty inside or alone, at least here she can feel alone in a room full of people. 

She's a girl in a bar not looking for anything but the person she misses most and the new person that she now is becoming.... 

St.Pattys Day

St.Patricks day is a very special day for Joey and I, last year on St.Patricks day we both lost our jobs because KC Crave shut down. Now for us it was bittersweet, KC crave shutting down meant that we could actually act like a real couple, the sad side was we lost our jobs and Joey had just became General Manager there. Becoming GM of a restaurant was Joey's dream and goal and he finally got that, I remember the night he came to my house telling me he became GM and I also remember the morning he called me saying the restaurant shut down. I was getting ready for work, Joey was suppose to be at a meeting and had just left but I knew something was up when he called me 15 minutes after he left. So St.Pattys was on a Monday last year and Mondays were our bowling nights and man, I couldn't wait to go bowling and not act like Joey and I weren't dating. I remember walking in and he saw me and he kissed me in front of everybody, such a happy moment in my life. I just remember us both telling each other how much we loved each other. We didn't know what we were going to do after that night because we were both jobless, lol but we knew that we were going to be together.
It's weird that St.Pattys day this year also falls on 8 weeks of Joey being gone. My mind still thinks that he's on vacation and that he's going to come home but theres days that I realize that he's not. Lately, I've been so emotional about him being gone. I just really miss him. This is our first photo that we ever posted, on St.Pattys day last year. I look at this and all I see is happiness and so much love. That moment I thought I loved Joey so much but we moved to Tampa and I fell so much more in love with him. This man was my future and on that night I didn't know what adventures we were going to have but I knew I was going to be right next to him. Now tomorrow is St.Pattys day and he's not here. What kind of bullshit is that, we had so many more things to do.

Missing you so much Joey

At the end of the aisle

I think at an early age girls always dream of their wedding. For me, I always had an idea of what type of wedding I wanted, but never knew what type of guy would be standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me. When I fell in love with Joey, I knew he was going to be that man at the end of the aisle. We talked about the type of wedding we would have, and we weren't even engaged yet. I obviously come from a very small family and only have a few close friends that I could see being at my wedding, well Mr. Fischetti had a huge family and the amount of friends he had is crazy. Joey would always talk about how he would probably have twenty groomsmen and he would joke how I would probably have 5 bridesmaids. He was right, haha. Seeing the amount of people at his funeral I could only imagine the size of our wedding that we would of had. Which brings me to why I'm writing this blog, the day of his funeral has been on my mind.
At twenty-one, I was planning more of a future wedding then the love of my life's funeral. At twenty-one I was with his closest girlfriends trying on navy blue dresses for his funeral instead of what I really thought I would of been doing with his friends like saying yes to a white dress. Looking into that mirror trying on navy blue dresses, I remember just staring and saying to myself 'is this really happening.' His friends just saying that the dresses looked great on me, all I cared was that I wanted to Joey to look down on me and think that I was looking beautiful even though I was dying inside. Now, let me tell you, I walked down a aisle, in a beautiful cathedral. I walked down in my blue navy dress, I was walking down the aisle to say goodbye to Joey. He was the reason I was walking down that aisle, but it wasn't the reason I thought I would walk down the aisle for. His funeral was beautiful, and all of his family and friends from all over were there, I'll never forget walking out of the Cathedral holding on to his soon to be sister-in-law and just clenching her hand and crying so hard. Let me tell you, there are no words to describe the heartache that I felt or feel everyday. After his funeral we had a celebration of his life, gosh I met so many people and all because of how much Joey was loved. I sat down at the table for the whole time, and sat there and just thought how cruel and wrong this was. I wanted a wedding with Joey, I wanted a house, I wanted kids, I wanted the adventures and I wanted it all with Joey. I wanted to meet all of these wonderful people because they were there to celebrate the love that Joey and I shared.  It's funny how life is cruel and how things happen. It's funny how I got the dress and I got to walk down that aisle and it was all to say goodbye to the love of my life.
Next friday, March 20th 2015 will be two months, how? How has it been this long, it feels like yesterday. My days are going by so fast but yet so slow. My heart aches, and I don't lie when I say that, it does ache. I miss his corkyness and his smile, I wonder how I can be this strong...and it's because Joey is with me. He is in my smile when I tell stories of him and I or tell complete strangers about him and how amazing he is. He's always by my side.
Why did you have to leave?

Dr. Pepper Ribs..

Tonight at Chili's I saw on their menu that they now serve Dr.Pepper ribs, Ugh I know that was Joey. Joey made a year ago Dr.Pepper ribs for JNO, Paul and I. He knew how much I loved Dr.Pepper and he looked up a recipe  on pinterest. They were so amazing, I mean super spicy but oh so good...just like all of Joeys food that he made. I started making a list on my phone of all the little signs that I believe is Joey telling me he's with me. I'm sure I look like a crazy person when I realize that something might be a sign from Joey. 

I am missing Joey so much, I don't expect anyone to walk this journey with me every day. I'm strong enough to say that I am sad, I'm not ashamed of saying that I miss Joey, or that I cry any chance I get or sometimes that it hurts so much that I just want to scream. I'm learning that everyone feels loss differently, whether it be losing a child or best friend or partner, loss hurts..  I wake up every day and I just think to myself 'wow, this is really life.'  

I'm not only dealing with the loss of my life but I am dealing with the grief and realizing that I have to figure out what I'm suppose to do with my life. Joey and I had a life planned, and obviously in life things happen but I sorta planned on having Joey with me to deal with those random things that happen in life. Sometimes I feel like I sound like 'Oh what am I gonna do without Joey, now...' but that's not how I feel.. I know that I'm going to do everything that I said that I would, I know that I'm going to have a life and I'm going to smile and I'm going to laugh and that's the saddest part. Everything now is without Joey. It makes me sick to think that Joey isn't here anymore, I'm never going to come home to him ever again, never going to hear his voice, never going to eat the food he always cooked me, never going to stay awake all night and listen to his obnoxious snoring. 

My grieving is going to last for the rest of my life, and for anyone to say that it isn't is crazy. I remember when people told me that moving to Tampa with Joey was a stupid decision on my part but did I listen to anyone. Hell No. Moving to Tampa was the best decision I ever made, I learned so much about myself moving down here, and I fell more in love with Joey. I loved waking up every day to Joey, I loved knowing that this was our home and every night I was falling asleep in the arms of Joey. 

It's a weird feeling how everyones lives go on, everyone has their wife/husband girlfriend/boyfriend, they have the person they love to cry to, they still have that chance of marriage or having a family, I guess I'm really trying to accept that I don't have Joey anymore, and I have to start from the bottom and figure out what I'm suppose to do. I've always been that girl that knows exactly what she wants but for the first time in my life, I have no idea. It's such a scary feeling, I'm not going to lie but I feel so alone and so scared of what is to come. I don't want any of this, I didn't ask for any of this, this wasn't part of my dreams of Joey and I. One day I'll accept it, maybe. 

The next chapter...

Over this weekend, I thought about a lot of things. I guess I realized that Joey isn't coming back and the next chapter of my life has begun and it began on 1/20/15 when he passed away and I had to let go of his hand.  Ugh, I wish there were words to describe the feeling I felt that moment I walked out of Joeys ICU room, after I said goodbye to him..I remember all the nurses looking at me and I remember just feeling so heavy and I felt like I wasn't even alive. It felt like I was gliding, with tears in my eyes. I died when Joey passed away. People can judge me and say what they want about how I shouldn't say things like that, but it's how I feel. You know I didn't want to say goodbye to Joey, but I did. I knew that he wasn't there and it's a weird feeling I felt as if he was right over me with his hand on my shoulder. I've talked to many people about how the first night in the ER, I knew Joey knew I was there. I saw it in his eyes, I don't know how many times I told him I loved him or how many times I kissed his lips or put my head up to his. I kept making jokes to his nurses because I couldn't stop rubbing his head because HE LOVED THAT! That was our nightly routine, he'd rub my feet and I'd rub his back and his head. That was my favorite part of the day and that started when we started dating and never stopped.  If he hadn't been hooked up to so many machines or kept having seizures I would of laid right next to him until the doctors and nurses forced me out of that hospital. His  hand was always so heavy in mine at the hospital, but  the last time I held his hand and said goodbye to him, it felt right and knowing that makes me get through the day.
The days feel as though they all run into each other. I wake up, realize that I woke up and ask why and then I get up and walk around and realize 'wow, Joey is really gone!' I'm proud of myself though, I get out of bed! Gosh, I wish I could just lay in bed and be sad and cry but I can't! Since Joey passed away, I don't think that I've done that. I'm proud that I stayed in school because I am so close to my dreams! School is keeping me sane, it keeps my mind off of things. Surprisingly I love being at work, because it gives me a chance to talk to complete strangers about Joey and I! I talk about Joey and I with a huge smile on my face, let's be real how can anyone talk about Joey without a smile on their face. I get to tell our love story, and I'm so blessed to be able to say that I was loved by Joey and I love him! 
Now I guess I'm in this weird stage of knowing that my semester ends in the end of April and what am I suppose to do after that?! Do I stay in Tampa, or do I move to NYC  like I always said I would do. People ask my why do you want to move somewhere new and not back to Gainesville, (where I'm from) my answer is why would I do that?!?! Joey met so many people and lived all over and experienced life and that's what I want to do! I'm ready for my new adventure with him by my side, guiding me with his signs! Joey will be with me with every decision I make in life and I know I will see him everywhere I go. I can't wait to do all the things that I said I was going to do, and make Joey proud and everyone else proud as well. This next chapter in my life is finding who this new "me" is. Taking baby steps in my new journey... I'm taking the road less traveled, with Joey in my heart. I am missing him so much...

Let my tears be still.

No one really knows how someone is suppose to grieve. Everyone has their own opinion. Especially when they aren't entirely in your shoes. At the same time, it is a feeling of loss. No ones grief hurts more or even less than someone else's. Everyone feels a loss and how ever that person deals with it is okay. 

I'm learning that there are some people who just say sly remarks not realizing that it hurts the person. 

Grieving for me, in this journey is talking about Joey. That's the only time I have a smile on my face and tears running from my eyes. Joey was the best part of my life so far. I wish some times people would just close their eyes for one minute and imagine the feeling of loss that I am feeling. Imagine, holding the hand of the love of your life and knowing it's the last time you will ever get to hold their hand, now while your holding on to that persons hand, put your forehead up against their forehead, obviously not caring that tears are falling on their face. Now kiss them goodbye and know that it's the last time. It's the last time you'll get to smell them, last time to feel their skin against yours, last time to feel and hear their heartbeat. I'm sure if you imagined that with the person you loved, you probably would feel sick to your stomach. I long to just be held by Joey again and hear his voice, to taste his kiss.  

I'm mature enough to know that I'm not the only one that has ever experienced a tragic loss of that special someone, and obviously friends experience the grief and mourn the loss also.  

Joey met so many people in his life, and he had a lot of close friends, well best friends actually. I can't even imagine the pain that they feel every day or that the pain his family feels. Most of joeys best friends obviously knew him longer than I knew him, but how ever long you know someone does not make the grief any less painful. 

Joey and I knew each other for 2 years, we were together for a year and half.. And those 2 years are enough to last for a lifetime and forever. My heart will never be the same and I will never be the same person I was before all of this. 

I get up everyday, and I do our routine. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and never get up. I know though, that there are things to be done. Joey might not be with me physically, but every morning he is the one pulling me out of bed. 

I don't feel anything, I'm still numb to it all. I cry any chance I get, for some reason I want to cry all the time in my classes. Today for some reason, I was in math class and I just couldn't figure out a stupid problem and at that moment I wanted to punch something and cry, not because I was frustrated with math, but because I'm frustrated and mentally exhausted with life. I'm so mad at life right now, I'm so mad that Joey is gone. My best friend, partner, love of my life is GONE. It's a tough pill to swallow. 

I'm trying really hard, I put on a smile for people, I'll laugh but I am seriously dying inside. I don't need people lecturing me on their opinion on grief, or that other people are grieving. I know all of it, I don't need other people telling that I need to stop being sad.

Put yourself in my shoes, imagine losing the love of your life. Don't look at it as mourning a loss of a friend or parent or child, look at it through my eyes and my heart... I am trying, and I'm trying to do the best I can do. So let me cry, let me talk about Joey. 

Joey is gone, but no one can ever take away the love that him and I had, no one can ever take away the feeling of that love and no one can ever take away the fact that he chose me out of all the wonderful people he met. I am so blessed to say that I was loved by Joseph Jude Fischetti. 

So just let me be sad and miss him.