Wherever love goes..

Sure feels like forever since my world went tumbling down, and yet it feels like it was yesterday. It's weird how I wasn't looking for you when I fell in love with you and now I search for you everywhere. You are in my dreams every time I close my eyes, but the one dream that occurs the most is that I am in a field of purple wild flowers and it's the evening time...I unlock a rusty gate and run up a hill and run...run trying to find you. Right before I wake up I get to a farm house...almost looks like a farm house that I could see us spending the rest of our lives in...I walk in the house and you're there, and I wake up. I miss you Joey so much, and I know you are here with me. I know you are there lying next to me when I'm trying to sleep but can't because I need your embrace and need to feel your skin. Who knew I could miss the sound of your snoring SO freaking much. What I miss most is having you snuggling and having your face in my neck, sleeping.  I know you are here when I feel so alone or when I'm in my car, crying my eyes out because that's the only time that people can't seem me crying. You will forever be my shotgun rider, changing the songs and belting out the song lyrics with me.
You were/are the love of my life, best friend, partner. I hope you are with me and get to see all the good and love that God still has planned for the rest of the journey... There aren't any words to express all of the emotions that I feel.

There are so many things that I miss about Joey, I could write a novel about all the things I miss.
I miss something new every day, lately I just miss the feeling I would get when I knew he was in the room. He had such a great energy, and the moment he left the room, I found myself following him like a puppy dog! hahaha, maybe thats just love. We were attached to the hip.
The only time I'm really in the house is when I'm sleeping or studying, I find myself having to not be in the house so I do more exploring in Tampa. The other day I found a Golden Corral and almost balled my eyes out, just because I wish I would of known we lived 5 minutes from one. Joey and I loved food, haha and we always talked about the buffet and Golden Corral...and I find one 5 minutes from us..when he's gone.
Joey and I know each other SO well, I know that Joey is in Heaven cooking up a storm, golfing... but most of all I know he is here with me. I wish he was physically here so we could do all the things that we said we were going to do. I can't help but be bitter when I see my friends getting engaged and married and having babies and I can and probably will say that forever.

It's crazy how alone I feel, I can be in a room full of people and feel like I'm the only one in there.  When Joey passed away, I kept telling my mom how I couldn't wait until people left me alone and now I'm lucky if I get one or two text a day. Don't get me wrong it's nice to not have a bunch of people texting me but it just adds to the amount of loneliness I feel. When people do text me or talk to me they ask me how I'm doing, what's the point of asking if everyone is going to lecture me on how I need to stop being sad. You asked how I'm doing, and I'm miserable...and I'm dying inside each and every day without Joey in my life. Take a walk in my shoes and I bet most of you wouldn't even be able to walk  12 feet in them. It sucks being 21 and knowing that you have your whole life to live without someone that you love more than anything. I find strength in talking to Joey in my head, if you think you're crazy for doing certain things, just imagine talking to someone that isn't even here anymore. I feel like a crazy person, talking to someone in my head but not talking at all in person to anyone, crying any chance I get, forcing myself to go back to sleep. I thought I was exhausted working 40 hours a week and going to school full time but this beats any feeling of being exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I can't even concentrate, if I had it my way I'd lay in bed and never get out of it but the funny thing is I can't even lay in bed all day and cry. Thats the one thing that I want to do, but I can't do it.

5 weeks since Joey left this world, how have I even gone 5 weeks without him. I look at all of Joeys stuff in our place and I wonder when I'll ever be ready to box it up, if I'll ever be ready. Who knows.
Going on is so hard...I don't want to do it anymore, but sadly I have too.

You and I, Joey <3

4 weeks.

It's amazing how I can feel so much hurt and pain from Joey passing away. I never knew that any human could feel this way, the human body is strange thing. Today, February 17th is 4 weeks and Friday February 20th will be ONE MONTH. How is it even possible, that he's been gone this long.
One month isn't that long, but it's been the longest month without him. You get in a routine and that routine becomes your life and the person who you share that routine with becomes your life. I sit and think about how I'm having to start from the bottom, I have a new routine and it's me just going through the motions and feeling numb. I find myself talking about Joey more and more, there are so many things that remind me of him and for me, that's okay because it makes me think of him.

The other night I was trying to use my Uber app on my phone to get a ride home, well it wasn't working, kept saying network error...as if. Using that Uber app makes me think of Joey and I because we loved using Uber. I didn't know about Uber until I moved to Tampa with Joey and at first I looked at him crazy, wondering why  he thought it was okay to get in a car with a complete stranger. I knew if we were going to use Uber, Joey was not going to shut up in the car. Sometimes I would be embarrassed but I realized that, was just who Joey was. I have so many Uber stories and I could tell you the lives of maybe 15 uber drivers because of Joey. My favorite Uber ride was with Joey and my best friend Janna. It was a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and Janna had come down from NYC. It was Jannas first time meeting Joey and at first I was so scared for them to meet because I really wanted Janna to like Joey. Well, the three of us got in that Uber car and headed to South Howard and I felt like the 4th wheel. Our Uber driver could not speak any english and of course Joey and Janna both knew how to speak spanish, so as the three of them are laughing there butts off and having a heart to heart in spanish, I was sitting silently in disbelief. After the Uber car ride, Joey and Janna were BFF's, I almost felt as if they needed to be together! HAHA. Joey always felt the need to get to know someone and why they were where they were in life. I loved that about Joey, he had a heart of gold and he really loved meeting people.
Brings me back to another memory of Joey and I, it was the first day we moved to Tampa!
August 9th 2014, we just dropped the Uhaul off and started unpacking, and he was just so eager to go watch the sunset, I had never seen him so excited to go see a stupid sunset! We started walking around our complex and found the trail by the water and sat on a swing...turns out that a huge group hung out at the spot and I just knew at that moment that we were going to be sitting there for a very long time. Joey instantly made 8 new friends that night, which is no surprise. There was always someone for Joey to meet and get to know.
I'm sure he's made a billion new friends up there in Heaven. I can't wait for the day where I am with him again, it's a sickening feeling. I miss him so much, I don't know how I'm even going on... because I have the urge to cry at any moment of the day. You know that feeling in your throat when you're just about to cry but force yourself not too...that's how I feel ALL the time! I wake up, and force myself to go back to sleep because I don't want to be awake without him. I wish I would know the reason why God took away Joey at such a young age, we had too many things to do and that's the hardest part to get over.

4th Sunday

I haven't posted in a while, my emotions are a roller coaster, my life right now is a roller coaster! Valentines day was a sad day for me, but yet again every day is a sad day for me. I never knew that I could feel this kind of pain. I am missing Joey so much and him being gone hits me harder every day. I wake up every morning and I force myself to go back to sleep, I force myself to close my eyes and think about all the times I had with Joey and than I dream of him and it's so much better than being awake. 

Valentines day just made me think of last years valentines day.. Season 2 of house of cards was released and we watched that after we got off of work. I am missing Joeys embrace and his smile and his voice. He was home to me and now I'm lost. I'm in this world, lost and numb. We had so many more things to do, so many more adventures and Joey and I will never do them! I'm having a hard time letting that go. 

Just let me cry..

Three weeks today, how is it that it's gone by so fast. It feels like yesterday when I was holding Joeys hand saying goodbye to him. It still doesn't seem real, it's not something I'm going to accept. I know I have to understand that he passed away and that he's gone but there are somethings in life that you don't have to accept. This isn't something that's going to get better over time...I don't have the flu...I've lost the love of my life and I'm sad.  This is going to be such a long road ahead of me, I'm grieving over Joey passing away, I'm grieving over the fact that him and I will never get married or have a family of our own. I'm not just grieving over his death but also the person I was when I was with him, the life we shared and the plans we had. When people tell me I need to get on with my life now, what am I suppose to say to that?  My life is going on, it's going on with out Joey. I have to force myself to get up out of bed and go through my days and go through the motions. My sadness hits me like a earthquake, always unexpected.  Don't get me wrong, I am my own person, I am my own woman and a very independent one at that, but that doesn't mean that I can't grieve over my boyfriend passing away so unexpectedly. I know I have a bright future, I'm twenty-one and I get to spend every day of the rest of my life missing Joey....Let that sink in...the rest of my life.. I hate it. 

 

17 days

It amazes me how it's been 17 days since you've passed away. I've gone 17 days without hearing your voice or laughter. I've gone without your kisses and your warm embrace. I've gone 17 days without smelling that aftershave on your face when you kiss me. I've gone 17 days without your name popping up on my phone. I've gone 17 days without your foot massages. The list goes on and on and on. 

Everyone said it would get easier and honestly it just gets harder. I can't sleep at night and when I finally do, I dream of you. Just let me sleep if that's the only time I can see you and I together. 

I'm pretty sure I'm killing our plants that we bought a week before you passed away, but hey... What am I gonna do with all that cilantro, mint and basil. That was all for you. All your clothes are still hanging up, everything is still the way it would be, as if you were here. I probably won't box anything up until I decide when I'm going to move.  I find myself waking up every morning, more sad then the day before. I find myself crying more, any chance I get, I cry. I'm missing you so much, I never knew missing someone could be so painful. Everyone says you're always watching over me and with me.. But I don't feel you... In my mind everything is a blur from the last several weeks. 

Honestly the one thing that keeps me going is the love that we shared and the fact that you chose me to love. Out of everyone you met in your lifetime (which was a lot) you chose me! When we first started working out together after the late nights at work I never thought we would be anything. There was one night that changed my mind though, I was doing some stupid weight machine for my legs and you put it on like 300 pounds and told me to do it. Lmao. You were just standing there next to me cheering me on as I was struggling, and at that point for some reason I remember thinking to myself at that moment, you were going to be the man I married and have children with. I don't know why at that moment at the gym I decided that. 

I'm missing your positivity, always just cheering me on and making me a better person. When I was down or frustrated you always knew what to say or do to bring that smile back to my face. 

I'm trying to focus on school because I know that, that's what you want for me. It's what we both wanted, but it's hard. 

It's hard sitting in class and listening to the lecture because I'm thinking of you. I don't have you texting me through out the day, and when I leave my classes, I know you aren't going to be home.

I go through a roller coaster of emotions 24/7, it's like I shouldn't be around happy people honestly. You are my forever love Joseph Fischetti, and love never dies. 

I loved you then...

Around this time last year, we were still "hiding" our relationship lol. It's so funny because we were so used to our routine. Go to work, usually you would go into work first and than I would go in 5 hours after you would. I loved going into work because I had just seen you hours ago and no one had a clue!
You would leave work and I usually closed, but we both knew that after work I was going to be with you at your place. Sometimes we didn't plan it and sometimes we did but it got to the point where my clothes were there and I would start leaving my hair stuff and shampoo...so I was there pretty much all the time.
I loved spending the nights with you, just watching either House of Cards or some other stupid show and just sitting on that couch talking! My FAVORITE night was I think February 6th 2014, I think it was around that date. I had horrible back pains to the point where I couldn't even walk, actually couldn't even get out of bed so I just stayed at your place until you got home from work. I remember going out to the living room with you and watched House of Cards because we wanted to re watch the first season before the second season came out on Valentines day. Well we started chit chatting about everything and just stopped watching the show. I just remember starting to get butterflies in my stomach and my heart started to race because I could tell that you were about to say that you loved me. I knew I wasn't going to be the first one to say it, because I didn't want to look crazy but I knew I loved you from the first night that we started hanging out together. Just writing about that night makes me get butterflies and makes my heart race. It wasn't anything romantic it was just you and I and what we usually did. I was so happy when you told me you loved me, and after you telling me that we started talking about our future. We knew we couldn't stay at the restaurant and still be together so one of us was going to have to leave. Sadly, Joey just became General Manager so I would of never let him leave...but God had other plans when he decided to close that restaurant down in March.
That story brings me back to another story, Christmas Eve of 2013...  It was the night where we gave each other our Christmas gifts. Although my gifts were totally lame compared to what you bought me but it's the thought that counts.  You cooked me dinner, and we watched some tv and then I told you that we should open our gifts.  I gave you all of your gifts, which honestly I had no idea what to get you! After you opened up your gifts, you walked into your closet and one by one started to hand me all sorts of gifts. When you handed me the last one, you started crying and told me that you just wanted me to know how special of a woman I was to you, and obviously I had already been crying because I had never felt so loved before in my life. I felt so lucky to be with you, we hadn't told each other that we loved each other yet, but I loved you then.

You know, so many people say that the first few months is the honeymoon phase for every couple, trust me I heard that from my family and friends especially when I spent so much time with him.  Our motto was, that couples should always be in the honeymoon phase. I can tell you, every time I came home from work or when Joey came home from work, we kissed each other probably 20 times, LOL.
There would be times when I'd come home from work just frustrated and he'd be standing there with a kissy face waiting for me to kiss him and if I looked at him or walked past him he'd grab me and kiss me. We never went a day without telling each other that we loved one another. We probably did that a million times a day. We always cooked together, well Joey did most of the cooking...I would honestly just annoy him in the kitchen...haha. We always sat at the dinner table and talked about our day or just anything in general. We loved talking to each other, everyone knows Joey loved to talk and so do I so we were perfect for each other. We did everything together!

It's so hard with him not here, my world is crumbled into tiny little pieces and now I'm here to pick them up.

Missing you so much Joey <3

The 5 stages of Grief

This isn't a really happy/ memory post.

I've taken enough classes to know that there are 5 stages of grief.
It begins with denial and isolation, then comes anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
I'm at four of those right now.
I talk to myself all day because I'm talking to you, everything that I would normally be saying to you in person or in a text is what I'm saying to myself. After a while you start to feel like a crazy person. I can't believe you're gone. I just keep waiting for you to call me or walk through our door. I walk into our home and expect a kiss from you or that smile!
Coming back home from NYC tonight, I walked in our home and I feel nothing but anger.  I haven't felt this yet. I want to punch the wall, I want to literally tear a part our place. Even if I did all of that, it wouldn't make me feel any better. I am so angry at God right now, I'm trying to understand the bigger picture right now, but I just can't see it. Like what's the lesson to be learned here....Who possibly needs to learn a lesson from this?  Is it for the people that are newly engaged or just now getting married, so that they can make sure that they tell their loved one, how much they love them. Is it for the people to see that there is real love out there. Or is it for that one couple who fights all the time or abuses each other, so they can see that what they have isn't love?
Is it for the couple that has nothing but lies and cheating? Like who needs to learn a lesson and why do they have to learn from Joey passing away?
It's just not fair, Joey had the biggest heart and would never hurt anyone. He was the happiest person that I've ever met. Why Joey? Trust me I've heard it from everyone 'Only the good die young' Well that quote is stupid.
Now it's all about bargaining, I can sit for hours and think what I could of done to prevent this. I know though, that there's nothing that I could of done. Who ever thinks that their boyfriend is going to have a massive stroke at 32? I sure as hell didn't. I did all I could over the weekend thinking that he had the flu, I checked on him every 3o minutes. Woke him up, to drink, so that he didn't get dehydrated. Rubbed his head and back....If I would of known that he wasn't going to be here anymore, I would of slept with him those three nights instead of sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to get sick.  I would of never let him go.
Now it's depression, which started two weeks ago. Something that I will be dealing with for a very long time. Just when I think I don't have anymore tears, I start crying. My heart hurts.

I just really can't believe Joey is gone, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm so lost and so numb.
We were that happy couple, we were the ones in love. We had the plans, we had a future and it's just gone.


"There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by...
...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time"