My flight to New York City left at 7pm and the sun had just set, when we took off, I looked to my left and saw the remaining part of the sunset and knew it was you. Thinking about the fact that I was just in New York City with you a month ago is weird.. I'm so blessed I got the chance to spend 5 days there with you. Our first real vacation together, and it's a memory that I will never forget.
It's a weird emotion, I'm excited, sad and numb all at the same time. I still can't believe you're gone and gone forever. I still get that feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning, but I had to get up for my classes, and of course like always I left the house an hour before I had too. Somethings don't change.
Our friends text me and say it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be happy also, but I don't want to feel either of those...I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to ever get over this, I just want to sit and remember you and all of our happy times. Which was the last year and half of my life.
I replay the night I found you over and over and over and over. I replay over and over again that whole entire weekend. I should of taken you to the doctor, it's what you would of done to me but I was trusting you and listening to you. Things happen when you least expect it, and I never thought you would of had a stroke. I should of known something wasn't right, I should of not listened to you. I know you knew I was there, I saw it in your eyes that night and I keep that image with me forever. I thought I've felt helpless before but this experience has taken it to a whole new level.
I'm in this weird state of mind, because I'm 21 and we planned our whole future and yet things get in the way and plans change...so I'm learning. What am I suppose to do now, I know I need to finish school because in the back of my mind you are cheering me on and you would want that for me. Nursing school is a dream of mine and it also became a dream for you. It was our dream. I can't do many of things that we said we would do because well you aren't here anymore. You're in heaven and always by my side.
Who knows what I'll do maybe I'll move to New York City in the summer just like I always nagged you about, begin a new chapter in my life, not knowing what I'm suppose to be doing. Maybe I'll audition for the Miami Heat Dancers like I always talked about, I know you loved to watch me to dance and you always bragged on me. *Blushes* I can say that one thing I know I will do is open up a little restaurant or deli like we talked about. Nothing big, but something just right. I never realized how much I learned from you while you were cooking, I've found myself wanting to cook more, but it's weird being in the kitchen without you. I also know there's a reason you bought me that kitchen aid mixer, I plan on using it so much! There's a whole world out there! You traveled and lived so many places and met so many people, that's exactly what I want to do! Travel! Knowing that you will always be by my side.
I'm realizing that missing you is just going to be a part of my every day life, but I find little things to smile at or laugh at. Like having free wifi in this airplane is making me so beyond happy and I should be doing my anatomy homework instead of writing this but such is life. HAHA.
I can't wait to get to New York City and act like a New Yorker, you taught me it very well! Always stay on the right side of the escalator, whistle at the taxi's which...I won't be able to do like you, I'm a subway pro now after having you teach me how to use it, and luckily I have both of our metro cards so no One dollar charge to get another one! It's the little things... My favorite memory of you when we went to New York City was how the second we landed, your accent was totally different. It was no longer like we lived in the south but it was your New York accent! I still hear it in my head, and it makes me smile!
I really can't be sad when I think about you and I because I was the happiest I had ever been before. You taught me so much in life, and I will take it everywhere I go and I know I will see you everywhere I go! We're gonna go to so many places hun!
Gotta go for now, turbulence is a bitch and well I don't have you to hold on too!
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
That fixer upper...
The days do not get any easier, they say they will, but I don't believe them. It's just not fair, all of our plans have been taken away. The love of my life, my best friend have been taken away from me in a blink of an eye. There were two things that reminded me of you today, well more than that but these were my two favorite.
First one was, walking around the water today in our apartment complex and I noticed that one of the porches had the patio furniture we were going to buy 3 weeks ago. Thank God we didn't because we both know how I don't like having the same thing as other people so now, that is officially considered "BASIC" patio furniture.
Second thing was I saw the kids and Danny and Liz tonight. I see you, in Rocco so much and I promise, you will live on through me. Rocco and Izzy will know how much you love them.
Tomorrow night I leave for New York City, which I'm actually excited about. Janna bought the plane ticket and I know you will be with us the whole time, because you love the both of us to death. I've decided also that I am going to go ice skating since last month you and I didn't do that while we were in the city. There is snow on the ground and it's suppose to snow some more, which I know is your doing because you know I love the snow so much. I always bugged you about moving to NYC, but I also bugged you about moving back home to Gainesville or in our crazy world, moving to Italy.
I was happy being with you anywhere we lived. I hope you know that.
I cried on the way home from Danny's because I wanted what Danny and Liz have. The perfect family, and the perfect two kids! Every time I saw Joey with his nephew and niece I knew he was going to be the man that one day, down the road I would have kids with. Most of our conversations while we lay in bed was about what we would have when that one day came. The one night that stands out the most is on my 21st birthday when we went to St.Pete for First Friday. We sat down, at an outside table and talked for hours as if we just met! We planned our whole entire future that night. We were going to have a huge house, but not a brand new house. We were going to be that couple that bought a fixer upper! Obviously our main priority of that house would be the kitchen to make sure that we had the best kitchen for Joey to cook in! We would have tons of land and a long drive way up to the house.
We didn't even know how many kids we wanted, we just wanted as many as God blessed us with. We knew that if we had a girl her name would be Milania or Ava and if we had a boy his name would be Giovanni or Joey Jr. clearly had to be an italian name. If God made us the next 19 kids and counting, we would of been fine with that. LOL. Joey would of been a great dad, he would of loved our kids like crazy and we pretty much already knew our kids were going to be spoiled and have everything in the world! We wanted the same things, some times we would have our moments when I was being stubborn or stressed out but you were my future and my whole entire world. I can't help but feel bitter...I wanted it all with you. I can't believe you were taken away from me, so fast... All I know is, we told each other a million times a day how much we loved each other, gave each other all the kisses we could give and showed our love for each other in weird ways. lol
I'm missing you so much, and it hurts so much. My heart literally hurts, and I'm here in this world..in a daze.
...Love you more and love you to the moon and back.
"And that's just it, isn't it? That's how we manage to survive the loss. Because love, it never dies, it never goes away, it never fades, so long as you hang on to it.”
First one was, walking around the water today in our apartment complex and I noticed that one of the porches had the patio furniture we were going to buy 3 weeks ago. Thank God we didn't because we both know how I don't like having the same thing as other people so now, that is officially considered "BASIC" patio furniture.
Second thing was I saw the kids and Danny and Liz tonight. I see you, in Rocco so much and I promise, you will live on through me. Rocco and Izzy will know how much you love them.
Tomorrow night I leave for New York City, which I'm actually excited about. Janna bought the plane ticket and I know you will be with us the whole time, because you love the both of us to death. I've decided also that I am going to go ice skating since last month you and I didn't do that while we were in the city. There is snow on the ground and it's suppose to snow some more, which I know is your doing because you know I love the snow so much. I always bugged you about moving to NYC, but I also bugged you about moving back home to Gainesville or in our crazy world, moving to Italy.
I was happy being with you anywhere we lived. I hope you know that.
I cried on the way home from Danny's because I wanted what Danny and Liz have. The perfect family, and the perfect two kids! Every time I saw Joey with his nephew and niece I knew he was going to be the man that one day, down the road I would have kids with. Most of our conversations while we lay in bed was about what we would have when that one day came. The one night that stands out the most is on my 21st birthday when we went to St.Pete for First Friday. We sat down, at an outside table and talked for hours as if we just met! We planned our whole entire future that night. We were going to have a huge house, but not a brand new house. We were going to be that couple that bought a fixer upper! Obviously our main priority of that house would be the kitchen to make sure that we had the best kitchen for Joey to cook in! We would have tons of land and a long drive way up to the house.We didn't even know how many kids we wanted, we just wanted as many as God blessed us with. We knew that if we had a girl her name would be Milania or Ava and if we had a boy his name would be Giovanni or Joey Jr. clearly had to be an italian name. If God made us the next 19 kids and counting, we would of been fine with that. LOL. Joey would of been a great dad, he would of loved our kids like crazy and we pretty much already knew our kids were going to be spoiled and have everything in the world! We wanted the same things, some times we would have our moments when I was being stubborn or stressed out but you were my future and my whole entire world. I can't help but feel bitter...I wanted it all with you. I can't believe you were taken away from me, so fast... All I know is, we told each other a million times a day how much we loved each other, gave each other all the kisses we could give and showed our love for each other in weird ways. lol
I'm missing you so much, and it hurts so much. My heart literally hurts, and I'm here in this world..in a daze.
...Love you more and love you to the moon and back.
"And that's just it, isn't it? That's how we manage to survive the loss. Because love, it never dies, it never goes away, it never fades, so long as you hang on to it.”
Feels like a hangover
Today, is hard for me to get out of bed. There's no clouds in the sky and it looks beautiful out but today I just want to lay in bed. Waking up feels like waking up with a hangover. The worst part is, it's worse than a hangover. I wake up and realize that you're not here and you're not coming back. I realize that life is going on without you. I'm constantly talking to myself because I'm talking to you. Everything I do, I talk to you.
It's more real at night
It's weird laying in this bed, or even in this room. Being in the dark makes me think even more, but everything is still the same in here. Your towel is hanging up on the closet door just like always, the fans are going because for some reason we both couldn't sleep in silence. Your button down shirts are in the corner, waiting to get dry cleaned and your phone is plugged in. Only thing that is missing is you, and your arms around me and let me not forget your snoring. How I hated your snoring but now it's the thing I miss the most. What I wouldn't give to be able to wake you up to tell you stop snoring... Even though I know me telling you wasn't going to stop you.
Our relationship is based off of our nights. We started dating and most of the time I was at your place in Gainesville. I'd get off of work and you were at your house waiting for me with ALWAYS a sweet tea and occasionally one of your meals. I always thought that eventually that was going to stop but it never did... Those nights were the best because we would sit on the couch or lay in bed and talk for hours! Laying in your arms and talking is what made me fall in love with you. Being in your arms was home and always will be. The one thing you loved the most was me scratching your back and rubbing your head and oh how I did that EVERY night! We moved a year later to tampa and the roles switched, you rubbed my feet and back EVERY night.
Most nights here in Tampa we were so exhausted from work, but when you'd put your head on my chest I couldn't resist to rub your head. I was so happy and content with you laying right next to me, I didn't need anything else in my life. I want you back so much, it's a pain that I can't even put into words.
I know one thing, we told each other we loved each other so much every day... That at least I know it was real. I know that you passed away knowing that I love you and always will.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Taco Tuesday
Second Taco Tuesday without you, tried going to Green lemon tonight...the hostess said it would be 45 minutes for a table...which made me think of you because they never give the right estimate on the time. Which was the one thing that made you frustrated with this restaurant. Didn't really feel you today with me, and maybe thats why I cried most of the day and wanted to sleep all day. You were in my dreams today and I didn't want to wake up. At least in my dreams I can feel you and hear your voice, why would I want to wake up from that?
As many people know Joey and I worked together. Totally scandalous; Manager and server relationship which is so typical in a restaurant. Being 19 and him 30 when we first started seeing each other (secretly) I was trying not to be that server where he simply forgets about...but I knew after one night, that it was not going to be like that. Before the first night that we expressed our feelings for each other, he started scheduling me closing shifts when he would close, so not obvious. After closing we would go and workout because only in Gainesville would there be a 24/7 gym. Those nights we spent hours running and watching HGTV and getting to know each other and than we started going on our not yet "dates" to Sonny's during the day before we would go to work. All this time spent with each other we still never told each other our feelings to each other until sometime around October 18th, so there were 3 months of hanging out every day. On Mondays it was bowling night, so I closed one Monday and I knew he was going bowling with everyone from work, well by midnight he was obviously drunk, soooooo I got there and started drinking. It was the first time we had been around each other while we were drinking so obviously we started flirting a little bit more...I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he would look at me. Next thing I know, Joey is running outside to his car, so what do I do...run after him and ask him "What do you think you're doing" and he told me to get in the car. With the drink still in my hand, I did. (FYI we still have that glass) Than he starts driving, we get to the stop light and he grabs my left hand and holds it and kisses it and tells me we were going to be just fine. Obviously with a few drinks in me, I'm looking at him like a crazy person (obviously my heart is beating) Until we got to his house, he never let go of my hand. When we got to his place, I sat down on his couch and looked at him and told him that nothing was going to happen that night because one, I wasn't that type of girl and two he was my manager. He looked at me and he said he knew and at that moment I dared him to kiss me, and he grabbed my face and kissed me. We woke up the next morning, and I couldn't believe that I was laying in the same bed as him, worst part is I still had my Nikes on. He threw on different clothes and this time was the first time I saw him in normal clothes and he wore his glasses. I never found him more sexy than when he wore his glasses. He took me back to my car but on the way he stopped at Mcdonalds and bought me a sweet tea with extra ice...at that moment I knew it was game over and that he was the one. Thats where our story began and the love lives on..
The one thing that's been on my mind is that I'm 21.... I have the rest of my life to miss you...and grieve....Though everyone says that life goes by so fast but my God....the rest of my life without you is a very long time. It's weird to think that I'm going to be loving your memory, and all the memories of you and I. I feel like I'm going to be that miserable woman that can't be surrounded by happy people. I don't want to laugh or even smile, I don't want to live my life without you.
I love telling people our story of how we met cause not many people know... That's the way you're going to live by all of our stories that we have of you, Joey. Which in my case I'm the luckiest one because I have the stories of our love. A love that not many people will ever get to experience in their lifetime. I knew the first night that you and I were going to be forever.
As many people know Joey and I worked together. Totally scandalous; Manager and server relationship which is so typical in a restaurant. Being 19 and him 30 when we first started seeing each other (secretly) I was trying not to be that server where he simply forgets about...but I knew after one night, that it was not going to be like that. Before the first night that we expressed our feelings for each other, he started scheduling me closing shifts when he would close, so not obvious. After closing we would go and workout because only in Gainesville would there be a 24/7 gym. Those nights we spent hours running and watching HGTV and getting to know each other and than we started going on our not yet "dates" to Sonny's during the day before we would go to work. All this time spent with each other we still never told each other our feelings to each other until sometime around October 18th, so there were 3 months of hanging out every day. On Mondays it was bowling night, so I closed one Monday and I knew he was going bowling with everyone from work, well by midnight he was obviously drunk, soooooo I got there and started drinking. It was the first time we had been around each other while we were drinking so obviously we started flirting a little bit more...I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he would look at me. Next thing I know, Joey is running outside to his car, so what do I do...run after him and ask him "What do you think you're doing" and he told me to get in the car. With the drink still in my hand, I did. (FYI we still have that glass) Than he starts driving, we get to the stop light and he grabs my left hand and holds it and kisses it and tells me we were going to be just fine. Obviously with a few drinks in me, I'm looking at him like a crazy person (obviously my heart is beating) Until we got to his house, he never let go of my hand. When we got to his place, I sat down on his couch and looked at him and told him that nothing was going to happen that night because one, I wasn't that type of girl and two he was my manager. He looked at me and he said he knew and at that moment I dared him to kiss me, and he grabbed my face and kissed me. We woke up the next morning, and I couldn't believe that I was laying in the same bed as him, worst part is I still had my Nikes on. He threw on different clothes and this time was the first time I saw him in normal clothes and he wore his glasses. I never found him more sexy than when he wore his glasses. He took me back to my car but on the way he stopped at Mcdonalds and bought me a sweet tea with extra ice...at that moment I knew it was game over and that he was the one. Thats where our story began and the love lives on..
Joey he is going to live through me, telling our stories. He touched so many hearts and I was that special person that he wanted to spend the rest of his life. How lucky am I, to be able to say that..
Week One, down...so many more to go..
Tuesday Morning
Today is one week.
Woke up this morning and it felt just like our daily routine..except you weren't there and I was simply just getting ready by myself. I didn't have a million good morning kisses, or the smell of your aftershave or better yet just didn't have you. I'm sitting and waiting for my classes to start today and I just don't want to be here. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown any minute, hence why I'm writing.
I can't believe I've gone a week without your voice, touch, smile or laughter. This feeling of you gone is a feeling like no other. I cried some last night and cried some on the way here....but I know you're here sitting right next to me, not allowing me to cry. You were always so positive and never once did I see you sad, so I know you're giving me that positive energy. I keep questioning if I'm not normal because I'm not laying in bed in the dark crying my eyes out. Thats what I feel like I should be doing, I question myself about why I'm not crying because I know I'm not okay. I feel like I'm stuck on a train that just doesn't stop, and it's passing everyone who is living.... I'm in this bubble, a bubble that used to be you and I.. I'll never say that I hurt the most or hurt the least but I can't help but look around at everyone that is grieving for you and just say to myself 'but did you lose your whole entire future, or every single plan or better yet the love of your life?'
I kept waking up last night because well one I was sleeping alone in our bed, and two I kept waking up to see if you were in the room. I know you aren't going to be there.
The other night when I was at the bar, I zipped up my purse that I bought in NYC, the one that broke right after I bought it. I wish you would of saw my face when I zipped it up because I know that it was you! We weren't able to fix that stupid purse even when we got back to Florida. I look at that purse now and I think I'm a crazy person because I'm saying that you fixed my stupid purse. I find the little things that remind me that you are still here with me...
Missing you so much
Love you More.
Woke up this morning and it felt just like our daily routine..except you weren't there and I was simply just getting ready by myself. I didn't have a million good morning kisses, or the smell of your aftershave or better yet just didn't have you. I'm sitting and waiting for my classes to start today and I just don't want to be here. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown any minute, hence why I'm writing.
I can't believe I've gone a week without your voice, touch, smile or laughter. This feeling of you gone is a feeling like no other. I cried some last night and cried some on the way here....but I know you're here sitting right next to me, not allowing me to cry. You were always so positive and never once did I see you sad, so I know you're giving me that positive energy. I keep questioning if I'm not normal because I'm not laying in bed in the dark crying my eyes out. Thats what I feel like I should be doing, I question myself about why I'm not crying because I know I'm not okay. I feel like I'm stuck on a train that just doesn't stop, and it's passing everyone who is living.... I'm in this bubble, a bubble that used to be you and I.. I'll never say that I hurt the most or hurt the least but I can't help but look around at everyone that is grieving for you and just say to myself 'but did you lose your whole entire future, or every single plan or better yet the love of your life?'
I kept waking up last night because well one I was sleeping alone in our bed, and two I kept waking up to see if you were in the room. I know you aren't going to be there.
The other night when I was at the bar, I zipped up my purse that I bought in NYC, the one that broke right after I bought it. I wish you would of saw my face when I zipped it up because I know that it was you! We weren't able to fix that stupid purse even when we got back to Florida. I look at that purse now and I think I'm a crazy person because I'm saying that you fixed my stupid purse. I find the little things that remind me that you are still here with me...
Missing you so much
Love you More.
Monday, January 26, 2015
One Week
Tomorrow will be seven days since God took you away. Those seven days have gone by so fast.
I think I have ran out tears, but just when I think that... I start crying. I sleep on your side of the bed and only your side of the bed. I keep praying that this is all a nightmare and I will wake up soon to you right next to me. Waking up to your kisses are what I miss the most. I hate waking up without you and going to sleep without you. I miss the feeling of your lips and your arms around me.
The aftershave you would put on every morning that I thought was too strong is now always on my wrist so I can smell you, constantly. In my mind you're on a very long vacation where I can't talk to you...and any day you're going to walk through our front door.
People don't know how I'm able to be in our house but this is our home. I have to walk around the area where I found you laying, the way your eyes looked at me when I found you...I can't get out of my head. I question every second if there was something I could of done, why couldn't I see the signs over the weekend.
I don't know how to live in a world without you, I don't want to breathe without you or even wake up.
We did everything together, we were planning our future. We had the names of our children, we already knew the type of wedding we would have, and even the house we planned having.
Our future was taken away from us...
Can't believe it's been one week...
I think I have ran out tears, but just when I think that... I start crying. I sleep on your side of the bed and only your side of the bed. I keep praying that this is all a nightmare and I will wake up soon to you right next to me. Waking up to your kisses are what I miss the most. I hate waking up without you and going to sleep without you. I miss the feeling of your lips and your arms around me.
The aftershave you would put on every morning that I thought was too strong is now always on my wrist so I can smell you, constantly. In my mind you're on a very long vacation where I can't talk to you...and any day you're going to walk through our front door.
People don't know how I'm able to be in our house but this is our home. I have to walk around the area where I found you laying, the way your eyes looked at me when I found you...I can't get out of my head. I question every second if there was something I could of done, why couldn't I see the signs over the weekend.
I don't know how to live in a world without you, I don't want to breathe without you or even wake up.
We did everything together, we were planning our future. We had the names of our children, we already knew the type of wedding we would have, and even the house we planned having.
Our future was taken away from us...
Can't believe it's been one week...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)